More Than Fine

I was recently struck by a quote from Adam Levine.  I was reading an article asking a bunch of famous men what they were most afraid of.  The majority of men answered as you would expect, that they were most afraid of heights, snakes, drowning etc.; but, Adam Levine’s response was surprising.  Mr. Levine responded that he was most afraid of dying because his life was sooo GOOD (I’m paraphrasing.)  After I read his comment, I felt a pit in my stomach; I wondered if I could really say the same thing about my own life.  I spent the next few days noticing how many moments I wished I was somewhere else, doing something else.  I noticed how often I looked at the clock wanting the day to be over or how often I rushed through my errands because I just wanted them done.  I saw myself going through the motions.  Having happy moments, yes, but not feeling the level of excitement, enthusiasm or passion about my own life that permeated Adam Levine’s statement.  As simple as his statement was, it opened me up to larger possibilities for my life.  It erased the line between “us” (normal everyday people) and “them” (the rich and famous we see on t.v.).  For once, I truly believed that “Adam Levine Good” was obtainable and that if he deserved that big life, then why didn’t I?  

I think we all are surrounded with “fine” and come to believe that “fine” is the standard for life.  We have a job we don’t hate, we pay our bills, have a nice house and maintain our families; but, what if we allowed ourselves to want more than just “fine?” What if we allowed ourselves to want more out of life than “going through the motions” and waiting for the next big thing to inject happiness and enthusiasm into our life?  What if we confessed to ourselves that we wanted to be happier and admitted that we knew we could be?  What if we dared to disclose our dreams and wishes and then go after them?  What if we refused to settle for “fine” and chose to go after the life Adam Levine seems to describe in his simple statement?  

 

Over the last 13 years with my husband, he has repeatedly mentioned his love of acting remembering his riveting college performance of a lisping Spaniard.  When he relayed this story, there always seemed a longing, a wishing…. a missing.  Each time he brought up his performance, I ignored the underlying emotions and simply nodded my head at the appropriate times.  I never once gave his story any real credence.  Acting, really?  People like “us” don’t act.  We work hard, we have good jobs, houses and families… we are “fine.”  But, this Christmas I gave him a gift card for acting lessons.  Who knows where it will lead or what will happen; but at least he finally acted on that inner longing and dared to have a life greater than “fine.” 

 

So, my goal this New Year is to inject more “Adam Levine GOOD” into my life. I’m refusing to settle for “fine” and am going after a bigger, richer and more fulfilling life (and not feel guilty about it).  Beginning in 2015, I am going to carve out the time to start building my own “Adam Levine GOOD” life.  Join me!

I'm A Do-A-Holic

Hello, my name is Susan and I am a recovering do-a-holic.  Not only was I using the “doing” to feel worthy and valued (as discussed in my previous post), but I also hid in the doing.  For me, “doing” was my drug of choice (and an extremely acceptable one) that I used to hide from any and all uncomfortable feelings that I had.  Going, doing, accomplishing filled up my days and left little room for my fears and frustrations, insecurities and sadness.  I didn’t have time to feel angry over the insensitive email my mom just sent or sadness over my grandfather’s health because I had dinners and breakfasts to cook, work projects to complete, Costco trips to make, toilets to clean, and so on and so on and so on…. 

For many many years, I numbed my uncomfortable feelings by going, going and going some more.  However, I was not only numbing the uncomfortable (i.e. bad) emotions but also the good emotion.  Brene Brown in the book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” says it perfectly, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions we also numb the positive.”  She goes on to explain that when numb our positive emotions, when the hard emotions come, we have nothing to draw on.  Numbing cuts us off from what would carry us through the difficult times. 

Slowing down was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  My entire life was based on doing and accomplishing, achieving and going.  As discussed in my previous post, society praises doing and accomplishing.  There are millions of websites giving tips for “doing more” and “getting more done” and few, if any, websites helping us do less.  We never hear an obituary praising someone’s ability to “stay present” or admiring their ability to “just be.”  Doing “nothing” is described as lazy while packing every second of every day is touted as industrious and hard-working.

When I started cutting back on my go-go-go lifestyle, I felt tremendous guilt.  I had things that needed to be done, how the hell could I sit here and read a book….or sit outside with a glass of wine by myself and watch the sunset.  Then, after the guilt subsided, the terror set in.  I was so used to the noise, the constant chatter that doing generated, that I had no idea what I would find in the silence and the stillness.  I knew I needed to slow down and start really feeling my emotions, but I had been numbing for so long, I was scared about what that meant and if I could handle it.  I felt like a child who’s afraid of the dark…

I started visiting my feelings in moments.  When I was angry at someone, I didn’t immediately fire back at them or vent to someone to try to “feel better.”  When I was frustrated about a situation, I didn’t force myself to “just make a decision” so I could move on (ie do).  I stopped rationalizing my feelings or trying to talk myself out of the feeling I was feeling.  I stopped zoning out to mindless tv when I was upset or eating to fill up the emotional pit in my stomach.  Instead, I paused and tried to allow myself to feel the fullness of each feeling.  What I found was that after the initial sting of the uncomfortable feeling occurred, the feeling would lesson and the uncomfortableness would subside.  Each time I sat through the sting it became a bit easier to tolerate.  I found myself making better and better decisions since I no longer was making decisions based on, “quick, I just wanna get rid of this feeling…. any way I can.”

By slowing down I gave myself the space to feel my feelings.  I stopped mindlessly moving from task to task and instead allowed myself to live fully in this moment and feel whatever the moment brought.  I allowed myself to fully feel both the “bad” feelings and the “good” ones; and found that the good ones outweigh the bad ones 10 to 1.  You just have to slow down and let it all in….

Salvation Not in the "Doing"

“The ego knows nothing of being but believes you will eventually be saved by doing.”  Eckhert Tollee

One of the most destructive beliefs I lived by was that my value and/or worth is determined by how much I do and/or accomplish.  For years my days were a blur of activity focused only on getting things done.  I wore my exhaustion like a merit badge that validated both me and my life. Then suddenly I was diagnosed with pneumonia and all the “doing” abruptly stopped.  I faced feelings of emptiness and a pit in my stomach that my constant “doing” had filled; I knew I needed to find a better way to fill me up and validate my worth and value. 

It’s easy to follow this belief since we are inundated with messages that success is measured by what we “do” and how much we achieve and/or accomplish.  Society views Steve Jobs as successful because he “did” all the I-products and Michael Jordon is one of the “greats” because he achieved numerous championships.  Oprah is held in high esteem because of all of her accomplishments and JK Rowling is famous because she wrote Harry Potter.  Our success in school is measured by the grade we receive and when we are young our parents use our behavior to define if we have been “good” or not.  We grow up with the consistent message that success is defined by external “doing” and achieving.  We then mistakenly believe if we “do” enough, not only will people view us as successful but that we will also FEEL successful, worthy and valued.  However, it’s impossible to find internal value and worth in external places or material things.

At 40 I had a great life with a job I loved, a great family and financial security.  But, I was running myself into the ground trying to “do” enough, accomplish enough, achieve enough to feel successful, worthy and valued.  I had moments of great joy and happiness, but I could never quite “do” enough to achieve the deep sense of self-worth and value I craved.  When I became sick, I finally realized that the feelings of worth and value weren’t in the “doing.”  Forced into days and days of not-doing, I found what I was looking for plus much more.  There is so much to be found in the stillness and in the not-doing; but, since we continually jam pack our lives and fill up all space with noise, we never give ourselves the opportunities to find it.    

I had a hard time letting go of the belief linking “doing” with success and feelings of success and worthiness.  Letting the belief go forced me to go against what society thinks, what my family believes and shift the entire way I had been living my life.  It was only when I started applying the belief to the people I love that I began to let go of the belief’s hold.  I could clearly see that my son and my husband didn’t have to “do” anything to have value and worth.  My son has value whether he is sound asleep or getting an “A” on a test and my husband is worthy whether he is folding laundry or screaming at a football game on t.v.  They both have value and worth that’s bigger and more expansive than what they do, accomplish or achieve and I don’t want either of them believing differently.  I don’t want my son to believe that he has to earn his worth or “do” anything to have value; he is enough just because he was born.  And if I can see that as true for both him and my husband, I started to be able to see it as true for myself. 

Judgment & Beliefs

Judgmental thoughts can also be used to identify beliefs.  When we are judging others (or ourselves) we are essentially applying our beliefs to another; we are taking the expectations (musts, shoulds, etc.) our beliefs demand and transferring those expectations on to someone else.  Judging says, “My belief is correct so you need to/should do…..and if you don’t, you are wrong.”  Judgments reinforce and boost confidence of our belief.   Judgments make us feel certain.  Judgments make us feel RIGHT.  

Raising children and parenting is a subject saturated with judgment.   With no single “right” way to parent, every aspect of parenting is uncertain.   From the proper way to give birth to which colleges are best, every parent yearns for confirmation that their way is the right way; and this yearning leads to widespread judging.  

As one of those parents yearning to be right, I have tried to become aware of when I am sitting in judgment and allow my judgment to identify my underlying belief.  I recently judged Adrian Peterson for hitting his son with a switch; such judgment arose from my belief that striking children is not okay and my belief that hitting a child doesn’t teach anything other than hitting is ok in certain situations.   I judged Kim Kardashian based on my belief that spending thousands of dollars on cashmere kid’s clothes is gluttonous and absolutely ridiculous.  I judged Gwyneth Paltrow for naming her child Apple based upon my belief that giving a child a “non-name” is selfish on the part of the parent since it sets the child up for teasing.  I have judged parents who make their 6 year old choose only one sport to play year round based upon my belief that sports are supposed to be fun and parents shouldn’t focus on “going pro.”  I have judged parents who schedule every single minute of their child’s day and parents who buy brand new BMW’s for their child’s 16^th birthday.  

When we sit in judgment, we are taking our beliefs and applying them as ultimate truth.  By becoming aware of when we are sitting in judgment, we undermine our unconscious pattern of judging and also afford ourselves the ability to identify the underlying belief.    

(The topic of judgment is much bigger and broader than this narrowly focused blog on the link between beliefs and judgment; keep an eye out for a future discussion.)

Guilt & Beliefs

Feelings also can be used to help uncover hidden beliefs.  Feelings, particularly shame and guilt, are tried directly to our own beliefs.  When we drill these feelings back to a held belief, we not only become more aware of our beliefs, but we also reduce the control and power these feelings have over our lives. 

Both shame and guilt arise when you fail to live up the “musts” that your beliefs demand.  Shame and guilt are often used interchangeable.  However, even though they may feel identical, there is a distinct difference.   Guilt occurs when we focus on behavior, “I made a mistake;” shame focuses on the person, “I am a mistake.”  Although shame is much more destructive than guilt, both feelings can lead us to hidden beliefs.   

Two years ago, I was running myself into the ground trying to keep up with all of the expectations my beliefs demanded.  I knew that if I failed to perform any of the “musts” required to be a “good” mother, daughter, granddaughter, employee, spouse, etc., I would suffer overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame.  Every day I tried to outrun the guilt/shame by “doing” and some days I was successful.  However, when I contracted pneumonia, all of the “doing” abruptly stopped and guilt and shame became my constant companion. 

No longer having the option of “doing” my way out of feeling guilt and/or shame, I tried reducing the painful feelings by blaming other people, God and/or the universe.  I blamed my parents for moving my grandparents so close to me and my grandmother for making me feel like I was never doing enough.  I also tried the numb the shame/guilt.  I would watch hours of mindless t.v. and eat multiple bowls of cereal or spoonful’s of peanut butter.   Both of these strategies were ineffective (and I gained 40 pounds.)  However, when I allowed the guilt/shame to show me the way to my own beliefs, I finally broke the grip these feelings had over me. 

Over the last 2 years I have linked my instances of guilt/shame to many of my insane beliefs.  Here are just a few: 

Guilt/Shame:  I felt guilt/shame when I stayed in bed for days with pneumonia (even though my doctor ordered me to).
Beliefs:  I believed I was a “wuss” and lazy for staying in bed and believed everyone else thought I was a “wuss” and lazy for staying in bed.  I believed I needed to “push through” and believed everyone else thought I needed to “push through.”  I believed my husband was getting mad because he had to do everything since I couldn’t help out.  I believed that I was failing as a mother and wife since I couldn’t take care of everyone else.  I believed needing help was weak and made me a “needy.”  I believed I needed to “do” to be of value and loved.

Guilt/Shame:  I felt guilt/shame for having put on weight.
Beliefs:  I believed I was a failure, lazy and unattractive.  I believed everyone else believed I was a failure, lazy and unattractive.  I believed I couldn’t/wouldn’t be happy unless I lost all of the weight I had put on. 

Guilt/Shame:  I would feel guilty for saying “no” to a new work project even if I was already overloaded. 
Beliefs:  I believed if I could, I should (even if it meant getting up at 3 am and working past midnight). I believed my clients would stop using me if I ever declined a project.  I believed rest, relaxation and/or fun (for me) should only happen if I had nothing else to do. 

Everything changed when I stopped running myself ragged trying to “do” my way out of feeling guilt/shame.  Instead of reacting to the guilt/shame with activity, blaming and/or numbing, I allowed the guilt/shame to identify my own beliefs and found effective and lasting relief.

Power of Beliefs- Musts, Shoulds & Have To's

“All personal breakthroughs begin with a change in our beliefs.”  Tony Robbins, “Stop Your Limiting Beliefs:  10 Empowering Beliefs That Will Change Your Life.

I must.  I should.  I have to.  I need to.  It seemed when I started “witnessing” my thoughts, most of them were bossing me around telling me to “do” stuff.  I “must” chaperone my son’s field trip and lose 30 pounds.  I “have to” do the laundry today and “should” give up my daily diet coke. Each morning I woke up with a ridiculously long “must-should-have to list” and then spent the entire day rushing around trying to check off each item.  At the end of the day, if I accomplished everything listed, I would fall into bed exhausted but feeling successful; however, if any of the items remained unchecked, I would spend the evening feeling guilty and promising myself to “do better/more” tomorrow.  Eventually my list became impossible to finish and my days became consumed with running myself ragged and trying to numb the constant guilt.  Every day I would try to “do” my way out of the constant feelings of guilt; and every day I would fail miserably.   

When I started this process, I thought I needed to learn how to say “no” more and tolerate the guilt that would inevitably follow.  I thought or ask for help more or tell people to simply stop asking me to do things.  I thought I needed to lower my standards or consistently ignore items on my list.  I thought I needed to force myself to make my life smaller by quitting my job or putting my son up for adoption.  What I learned was totally surprising.  I learned that it was my own beliefs that were at the root of this problem.  By looking inward and working on my own beliefs, all of changes I wanted and needed in my life (happier, more balanced, less stressed) happened naturally and flowed more easily than I imagined.

Doing a Belief Audit

“The birth of excellence begins with our awareness that our beliefs are a choice.”  Tony Robbins in Unlimited Power.

A belief is a feeling of absolute certainty about something; it’s a concrete knowing of something’s meaning.  Our beliefs drive our behavior and emotions providing us with a foundation for making decisions and navigating the world.  

Most of us unconsciously act out, and react to, millions of beliefs each day; yet most of us cannot succinctly identify the triggering belief.  When we engage in a Belief Audit we bring awareness to our beliefs and link behavior and/or emotions to the instigating belief.  We can then challenge the validity of each belief letting go of the ones that are false or harmful while affirming the beliefs that are true, positive and that propel us into a better life.  

"The challenge is, most of us do not consciously decide what we’re going to believe.  Instead, often our beliefs are misinterpretations of past events."   Tony Robbins

A Belief Audit is a 2 step process:  1) Identify your beliefs:  this step requires tracing behavior and feelings back to the triggering belief; and 2) Challenge the belief’s validity:  this step requires looking at the belief with a critical eye and actively choosing to accept or discard.  

This process was one of the most transformative and powerful things I have ever done.  However, at first I pushed back on this process since I struggled to accept that my beliefs were not ultimate truths and/or were flexible.  As a person who thinks in black and white and craves certainty, I was very much attached to the definiteness of my beliefs.  I had depended on and relied upon my beliefs for 40 years as “ultimate truths” and accepting that every one of my beliefs was “up for debate” was a large, anxiety-filled challenge.   However, once I got over the anxiety and continued the Audit, the process became easier and the changes in my life occurred quite quickly.  I was completely stunned to realize how many false and harmful (and to be honest bat crap crazy) beliefs were running (and ruining) my life.  I had a lot of inaccurate beliefs from my parents that I didn’t even know I had.  I had beliefs arising out of untrue assumptions and misperceptions.  I had beliefs from childhood that I had outgrown and beliefs I had accepted from people I don’t admire or trust.  I had conflicting beliefs and beliefs establishing impossible standards.  I realized soon after starting my Belief Audit that one of the biggest reasons my life had run amuck was because I was trying to live up to all of these unconscious beliefs that were false, unreasonable and/or not even mine.  

Although the Belief Audit seems simple, the process can be tricky.  Over the next few blogs I will share my personal experiences, challenges and strategies which I have found helpful. 

Who Am I?

But, if I am not my thoughts, then who the hell am I?  

Did you ever have a moment where you just knew?  Where the decision you made just felt right?  You didn’t spend days looking at the problem from every angle or asking every family member, friend, neighbor and dog what they thought?  You just knew.  What I realized was that it is in these gut-feeling moments that YOU are showing up. 

Having such a strong belief in my thoughts, I more often than not disregarded my gut; I disregarded those moments when I felt like I had to do something since the facts didn’t support making that decision.  Logically, my gut feeling didn’t make sense so I shoved the feeling down and made the factually rational decision.  I simply couldn’t accept that there was “more” or something deeper and/or bigger than my thoughts.  But looking back on those moments, I realize the I (big I) was yelling, screaming and throwing the biggest temper tantrum trying to be heard over my very very very strong thinking mind. 

For me, I (big I) showed up most often in my romantic relationships.  In ending several long-term romantic relationships, I would tell friends it had “gotten so bad” that it was impossible for me to stay.  I would label some tangible event as having occurred that made me “have to” terminate the relationship.  However, looking back at those moments more closely, no big event actually occurred; instead my gut feeling that I could not stay one more minute had gotten so strong that I couldn’t shove it down anymore.  I would inform friends, “I didn’t have any other choice but to leave the scumbag;” but the truth was that something more powerful than my thinking brain was telling me it was time to end the relationship. 

On most occasions I dismissed this deeper knowing as total hooey.  My thinking brain was in full control and was easily powerful enough to “think” myself out of anything I felt in my gut.  If my gut told me something that could not be analytically, factually or tangibly supported, then it wasn’t real.  However, I now know that both my analytical skills (i.e. thoughts) and my gut (i.e. ME) should be equally valued.   Over identifying with my thoughts, and wholeheartedly believing them to be true, cut off an entire side of self. 

The most glaring example of my “thinking over” my intuition happened approximately 15 years ago.  I was on a Thanksgiving week vacation visiting with my family in Winter Park Colorado.  The day after Thanksgiving I went with my brother, sister-in-law, fiancé (at the time) and 6 year old niece sledding on a small hill on the outskirts of town. 

Standing at the top of this small hill with my fiancé, we both watched as my young niece impatiently jumped in a toboggan and slid down the hill.  Her laughter lingered at the top of the hill as my brother smiled up at me and yelled, “Your turn.”  I sat down and stretched my legs out in front on me on the blue, plastic toboggan.  As I grabbed the sides tightly, steadying the flimsy plastic around me, I felt intense fear well up inside of me.  In an instant, the fear had escalated to pure panic and I grabbed my fiancé’s arm to stop him from launching me off my flat perch.  Still holding his arm to delay my send off, I looked down the hill dotted with young children laughing as they enjoyed the short ride to bottom.  I scanned the hundreds of sled tracks that covered the snowy hill and my eyes fell on my 6 year old niece, who was still smiling after her short solo ride.  I called myself a “wussy” (i.e. my thoughts called me a wussy) and let go of the grip on my fiancé. 

The last orthopedic doctor I saw several years ago said I was “lucky to be walking.” I had hit a rock and had broken my pelvis in 4 places and had cracked my tail bone so significantly that the crack almost reached my spinal column.  The intense fear I felt at the top of the hill (i.e. some deeper knowing) couldn’t be rationally explained and therefore I ignored it completely.  My thoughts (rational mind) once again trumped my gut and the damage was tangible and long lasting.    

When I met my husband, I just knew.  Upon first meeting several of my friends, I immediately felt like I had known them my whole life.  I knew I was pregnant way before I took a test.  You hear about people knowing that they have a health problem or that they are in some sort of danger.  These are the times when YOU are heard. 

Total Anarchy

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”  Neale Donald Walsch

Once the concept of “you are not your thoughts” sunk in, and the excitement faded, pure terror set in.  I had been living in a world that wasn’t real; a world entirely created in my head.  Wait, what?  I realized why I had struggled so much with this concept; because accepting it as true is fricking hard.  Terrifying, anxiety fueled, fear.  In a split second, the core of what I believed had vanished.  For 45 years I “knew” who I was.  I “knew” how to act and what I “thought” I believed in. Now, in one moment, my entire “world” was turned upside down… it was overwhelming… terrifying…. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Accepting that the “rules” I was living by weren’t true was one of the scariest things I have ever done.   The rules I had created had provided me safety and certainty when engaging in the world.  I knew what was right and what was wrong.  I knew what a good mother did and acted accordingly.  I knew what a good spouse did, a good daughter did and how a good employee acted.  In accepting the concept that I (big I) was not my thoughts (and therefore eliminated the high value I had placed on my thoughts), I wiped out every rule I lived in.  Again, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  

During the weeks that followed my Aha, I continually struggled to fully accept the “I am not my thoughts” concept.  The unsettled feelings were so great that I had many moments where I wished I could un-know the concept and go back to following my made up rules.  I remember standing in the grocery store looking at yogurt.  I thought to myself, “I want a blueberry yogurt” and immediately felt extreme panic.  Did I really like blueberry yogurt or was this some false belief I had?  I felt like every thought I had was “up for debate” and that I had no solid ground to stand on. 

I felt like ME (big ME) had been kidnapped and held hostage by my thoughts.  The big ME had been shoved into a windowless room behind a locked door…hidden behind couches, chairs, large kitchen appliances….. .  I didn’t think I had ever even been introduced to this person and now I was being told that this person is ME.  I felt like what a kidnap victim must feel like when they are reunited with their family (with their real lives) after 25 years in captivity.  Wait, this is my real life? 

Looking back on those few weeks, I clearly remember the fear and anxiety.  But, now two years later, I now know I had to walk through the intense fear so that I could start to create a life based upon ME and not the made up beliefs and rules that I had been living by.   

World of Make-Believe

My thoughts had created an entire world inside my head that was just an illusion.  It wasn’t REAL.  I had let my thoughts envelop my life and I was living within them.  My thoughts had become an engrossing movie that I never stopped watching; a compelling drama that had whisked me away from the here and now.  How many times had my obsessing about the size of my thighs or some new wrinkle been so consuming that I had missed my highway exit?  How often had I driven to the store and had no memory of the actual drive? 

Thoughts create a movie in your head that sucks you in.  Just like in a movie, you can lose track of time and everything tangible is forgotten.  In an entertaining movie you forget that you are sitting in a movie theatre or what time it is.  Identically, when consumed by your own thoughts, you arrive at the store with no memory of the drive or you read the same page of a book over and over with no memory of what you read.  In a movie, you react to the story on the screen; you scream when someone jumps out of a closet or you feel sad when a character dies.  You do the same thing when you are engrossed in your own thoughts.  You think about your spouse forgetting to record Jimmy Fallon last week and you immediately feel irritated; you think about your mother criticizing the length of your bangs 5 years ago and you immediately feel irked.  The events on a movie screen aren’t happening; neither are most of the events your thoughts create.

I obsessed for months worried about whether it would rain on my wedding day; not only was that not happening nor did happen but I had absolutely no control over whether it would rain or not.  I ruminated over a client paying me late and created a bleak picture of me not being able to pay my phone bill; the client was delayed in paying me but the late payment had no impact on my ability to pay my phone bill (or any other bill).   I would become totally preoccupied with things I had said in a business meeting that I perceived as stupid; the meeting was well over and seemed to impact no one…. but me.

Instead of living an actual life, I was living in a world created by my thoughts.  Where gaining 10 pounds meant I was a failure.  Where my boss being short with me meant he didn’t think I was doing a good job and was going to fire me.  Where when a friend doesn’t call me back it means she is mad at me.  My thoughts created a world that wasn’t real; and consumed by them, I was missing out on…my life. 

Driver Not The Car

"Thinking happens to you."  Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth:  Awakening to Your Life's Purpose.

YOU are not your thoughts.  YOU are the one who hears, notices and/or observes the thoughts. 

Over the years I read about this concept in numerous books, written in different ways.  However, I never fully “got it.”  This is one of those whoo-hooey concepts that I really struggled to fully understand.  Since I know how this concept has the ability to change everything, I will attempt to explain this concept in a different, more concrete way…. by using a “SAT question” type analysis.  YOU are to your thoughts as a driver is to a car…..…

YOU (the big YOU) is the driver of a car and your thoughts are the car.  As a driver of a car, you have total control over the car; you can turn left, speed up or slow down.  However, you are not the car.  YOU and your thoughts do and should have an identical relationship.  YOU are not your thoughts and as such, you have control of your thoughts.  

If you are like I was, and still often am, no such relationship exists.  My thoughts and my “self” had become so intertwined that I had forgotten that I was in control (i.e. the driver) of my thoughts.  My thoughts and SELF had become so enmeshed that I had lost sight of the fact that I could get out of my head (i.e. the car).  I had forgotten that I (big I) was separate from my thoughts…. Just like if a driver forgot that he was not the actual car.  

In Michael’s Singer’s book, the “untethered Soul,” he explains that YOU are the subject while your thoughts are just another object you can be aware of.  You are driving down the street and see a tree and think “tree.”  Are YOU the tree?  Of course not; you are the one who thought “tree.”  You are the “subject” and the thought of the tree is the “object.”

An exercise hopefully helps provide a bit more clarification.  First think of a red truck… then picture a green tree… and then think of a white cloud.  YOU are the one thinks/pictures the red truck, green tree and white cloud.  YOU are not the truck, the tree or the cloud.  Those thoughts are the object and YOU are subject, i.e. the one who is thinking.  Just like the car analysis, YOU “drive” your thoughts and should always be aware of the separation between YOU and your thoughts (i.e. the car).

Thoughts were like breathing to me; constant.  However, identical to breath, we can easily obtain perspective (i.e. get out of the car) of the separateness of thoughts and SELF by focusing on your thoughts.  I found writing down my thoughts immediately provided understanding of the subject/object roles.  For example, yesterday I tried on some jeans.  Because I have put on some weight, the jeans were tighter than the last time I had tried them on.  As soon as I started jumping from one foot to the other wiggling to get them over my “larger than before” thighs, the thoughts immediately ramped up.   I knew I need to “get out of” the rushing flow of negative commentary so I grabbed a pen and began writing down the stream of thoughts.  “You can’t wear those; you have totally let yourself go, you are a failure; you are fat, you are loser; you lack discipline.  (And this is just in the first 10 seconds….).  When I paused and read the words back, I understood I had a choice… a choice whether to get sucked into the drama or not; whether to believe the thoughts and let them make me feel like crap…or not.  In the past, I would have simply believed my critical thoughts to be me and true and would have reacted accordingly (i.e. I would have felt like crap all day and ruminated on the size of my thighs.)  Instead, with the understanding that my thoughts are separate, I was able to look at them less emotionally… and then was able to either accept them or disregard them.  In this case, I agreed with the fact that I had gained weight… however, I disregarded the rest… and with that clarity I was able to make a better decision about what to do.

Michael Singer labels thought as arising from your “inner roommate.”  When I started this journey, I labeled the voice in my head as “Mr. Whackadoo” because of the absolute looney toon nature of a lot of things the voice said.   For 40 years I had allowed Mr. Whackadoo to guide my life and a lot of times make me feel absolutely crappy.  Mr. Whackadoo always had a problem and could obsess about things that happened years ago.  Mr. Whackadoo was never happy and since I believed he and I were the same, I (the big I) was never happy. 

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice in the mind – you are the one who hears it.”  Michael Singer from The Untethered Soul. 

First Breakthrough

"For thousands of years, humanity has been increasingly mind-possessed, failing to recognize the possessing entity as "not self."  Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth:  Awakening to Your Life's Purpose.

The BIG AHA!  In a split second, I “got it” so fully that absolutely everything changed. My entire perspective shifted… the concept:  YOU (the big YOU) are bigger, broader and deeper than your thoughts…..YOU are not your thoughts.   

Before this moment, I always believed my thoughts were me and made me… well, me.  My thoughts were one of my strengths; they were the reason I graduated from college and law school and was good at my job.  My thoughts guided my decisions and directed my life; I wholeheartedly believed the voice in my head.  However, in a split second, BLAM!!!… all gone. 

I was in my car listening to the audio version of Eckhert Tolle’s book, the Power of Now.  I was at the very beginning of the book listening to Tolle tell the story of his awakening.  He described waking up early one morning feeling absolute dread.  Miserable and questioning why he should continue living, he began repeating the words, “I cannot live with myself any longer” to himself.  Suddenly, he was struck by how “peculiar” the thought was.  If “I” cannot live with “myself” then there must be a separate “I” and a separate “self.”   

With those words, I GOT IT.  The full breadth of this realization took my breath away.  I spent the next hour of my commute in the car with my mind racing.  I ran through life events like a flip-book on crack.  Every event looked different, felt different, seemed different…. In that one second, my entire perspective had shifted.…….

YOU and your thoughts are not the same.  YOU are the one listening to your thoughts.   Your thoughts are talking and YOU hear them. YOU are the observer, the observer of your thoughts.  YOU and your thoughts are separate and independent and because of that, YOU have the ability to believe their ranting’s … or not.    

For 40 years I had believed that the voice in my head WAS ME.  For over 40 years I listened to the voice, believed the voice and acted accordingly.  Understanding that this was not true changed everything and changed the trajectory of my “pulling myself out of the dark hole” self-work from action focused (i.e. tell me what to DO, what to SAY, how to ACT) to one that was deeper, bigger… well, spiritual.  

Thoughts aren’t YOU.  

The Goal

"Joy comes to us in moments-ordinary moments.  We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary."  Brene Brown in Daring Greatly.

The end goal.  I am sitting here on our couch in front of the fire reading a book.   It is 6:45 am and the sun is coming up.  I am looking out through our floor to ceiling windows and can see the sunlight peaking over the mountains a few miles from my house.  With the sun only being partially up, I can still see all the lights in the valley below our home.  My 7 year old son is snuggled in the crook of my arm watching a cartoon on his kindle.  We are both under one fleece blanket, the blanket my adult niece made for my when she was 8.  My son could have chosen to sit in another spot and turned on the television; however, he chose to watch the cartoon on his kindle and cuddle next to me.  I am struck by the perfection of the moment; and to be honest, “perfect” doesn’t even fully describe the moment.  My tea cup is empty and I would normally get up for a refill.  Yet, I don’t move; I don’t want the moment to change or my feelings of appreciation to go away.  I am reading a book and my son is watching a cartoon.  We have done this hundreds of times; but, for some reason, this moment, identical to so many others, seems perfect.  Overwhelmingly perfect.  Insanely perfect. 

This moment is what my journey has been about.  I am able to feel something more fully than ever before; I am able to appreciate and feel content in moments I once thought mundane.  A year ago, hell, probably just yesterday, I would have gotten up to unload the dishwasher or been thinking about how I should get up to unload the dishwasher.  I have a stack of work on desk waiting for me upstairs yet I am not thinking about any of that.  All I could think of in those moments was that I was the luckiest girl in the whole world.

When I started this journey, I thought the goal was to be happy.  However, what I have realized is that it isn’t about finding “happy.”  “Happy” is an emotion created by “something” and comes and goes.  I (and I believe most people) want to feel a deeper appreciation for the everyday moments.  To find peace and contentment within ourselves on a regular basis no matter what is going on around us. 

When people lose a loved one, they describe missing the everyday moments.  I just watched an interview with Liam Neeson who lost his wife several years ago and he described that he missed hearing her keys drop on the table when she came home.  I want to feel more appreciation for and joy in the everyday moments; since when they are gone I know I will/would miss them.