Did you ever have a moment where you just knew? Where the decision you made just felt right? You didn’t spend days looking at the problem from every angle or asking every family member, friend, neighbor and dog what they thought? You just knew. What I realized was that it is in these gut-feeling moments that YOU are showing up.
Having such a strong belief in my thoughts, I more often than not disregarded my gut; I disregarded those moments when I felt like I had to do something since the facts didn’t support making that decision. Logically, my gut feeling didn’t make sense so I shoved the feeling down and made the factually rational decision. I simply couldn’t accept that there was “more” or something deeper and/or bigger than my thoughts. But looking back on those moments, I realize the I (big I) was yelling, screaming and throwing the biggest temper tantrum trying to be heard over my very very very strong thinking mind.
For me, I (big I) showed up most often in my romantic relationships. In ending several long-term romantic relationships, I would tell friends it had “gotten so bad” that it was impossible for me to stay. I would label some tangible event as having occurred that made me “have to” terminate the relationship. However, looking back at those moments more closely, no big event actually occurred; instead my gut feeling that I could not stay one more minute had gotten so strong that I couldn’t shove it down anymore. I would inform friends, “I didn’t have any other choice but to leave the scumbag;” but the truth was that something more powerful than my thinking brain was telling me it was time to end the relationship.
On most occasions I dismissed this deeper knowing as total hooey. My thinking brain was in full control and was easily powerful enough to “think” myself out of anything I felt in my gut. If my gut told me something that could not be analytically, factually or tangibly supported, then it wasn’t real. However, I now know that both my analytical skills (i.e. thoughts) and my gut (i.e. ME) should be equally valued. Over identifying with my thoughts, and wholeheartedly believing them to be true, cut off an entire side of self.
The most glaring example of my “thinking over” my intuition happened approximately 15 years ago. I was on a Thanksgiving week vacation visiting with my family in Winter Park Colorado. The day after Thanksgiving I went with my brother, sister-in-law, fiancé (at the time) and 6 year old niece sledding on a small hill on the outskirts of town.
Standing at the top of this small hill with my fiancé, we both watched as my young niece impatiently jumped in a toboggan and slid down the hill. Her laughter lingered at the top of the hill as my brother smiled up at me and yelled, “Your turn.” I sat down and stretched my legs out in front on me on the blue, plastic toboggan. As I grabbed the sides tightly, steadying the flimsy plastic around me, I felt intense fear well up inside of me. In an instant, the fear had escalated to pure panic and I grabbed my fiancé’s arm to stop him from launching me off my flat perch. Still holding his arm to delay my send off, I looked down the hill dotted with young children laughing as they enjoyed the short ride to bottom. I scanned the hundreds of sled tracks that covered the snowy hill and my eyes fell on my 6 year old niece, who was still smiling after her short solo ride. I called myself a “wussy” (i.e. my thoughts called me a wussy) and let go of the grip on my fiancé.
The last orthopedic doctor I saw several years ago said I was “lucky to be walking.” I had hit a rock and had broken my pelvis in 4 places and had cracked my tail bone so significantly that the crack almost reached my spinal column. The intense fear I felt at the top of the hill (i.e. some deeper knowing) couldn’t be rationally explained and therefore I ignored it completely. My thoughts (rational mind) once again trumped my gut and the damage was tangible and long lasting.
When I met my husband, I just knew. Upon first meeting several of my friends, I immediately felt like I had known them my whole life. I knew I was pregnant way before I took a test. You hear about people knowing that they have a health problem or that they are in some sort of danger. These are the times when YOU are heard.
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