Both shame and guilt arise when you fail to live up the “musts” that your beliefs demand. Shame and guilt are often used interchangeable. However, even though they may feel identical, there is a distinct difference. Guilt occurs when we focus on behavior, “I made a mistake;” shame focuses on the person, “I am a mistake.” Although shame is much more destructive than guilt, both feelings can lead us to hidden beliefs.
Two years ago, I was running myself into the ground trying to keep up with all of the expectations my beliefs demanded. I knew that if I failed to perform any of the “musts” required to be a “good” mother, daughter, granddaughter, employee, spouse, etc., I would suffer overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. Every day I tried to outrun the guilt/shame by “doing” and some days I was successful. However, when I contracted pneumonia, all of the “doing” abruptly stopped and guilt and shame became my constant companion.
No longer having the option of “doing” my way out of feeling guilt and/or shame, I tried reducing the painful feelings by blaming other people, God and/or the universe. I blamed my parents for moving my grandparents so close to me and my grandmother for making me feel like I was never doing enough. I also tried the numb the shame/guilt. I would watch hours of mindless t.v. and eat multiple bowls of cereal or spoonful’s of peanut butter. Both of these strategies were ineffective (and I gained 40 pounds.) However, when I allowed the guilt/shame to show me the way to my own beliefs, I finally broke the grip these feelings had over me.
Over the last 2 years I have linked my instances of guilt/shame to many of my insane beliefs. Here are just a few:
Guilt/Shame: I felt guilt/shame when I stayed in bed for days with pneumonia (even though my doctor ordered me to).
Beliefs: I believed I was a “wuss” and lazy for staying in bed and believed everyone else thought I was a “wuss” and lazy for staying in bed. I believed I needed to “push through” and believed everyone else thought I needed to “push through.” I believed my husband was getting mad because he had to do everything since I couldn’t help out. I believed that I was failing as a mother and wife since I couldn’t take care of everyone else. I believed needing help was weak and made me a “needy.” I believed I needed to “do” to be of value and loved.
Guilt/Shame: I felt guilt/shame for having put on weight.
Beliefs: I believed I was a failure, lazy and unattractive. I believed everyone else believed I was a failure, lazy and unattractive. I believed I couldn’t/wouldn’t be happy unless I lost all of the weight I had put on.
Guilt/Shame: I would feel guilty for saying “no” to a new work project even if I was already overloaded.
Beliefs: I believed if I could, I should (even if it meant getting up at 3 am and working past midnight). I believed my clients would stop using me if I ever declined a project. I believed rest, relaxation and/or fun (for me) should only happen if I had nothing else to do.
Everything changed when I stopped running myself ragged trying to “do” my way out of feeling guilt/shame. Instead of reacting to the guilt/shame with activity, blaming and/or numbing, I allowed the guilt/shame to identify my own beliefs and found effective and lasting relief.
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