I'm A Do-A-Holic

Hello, my name is Susan and I am a recovering do-a-holic.  Not only was I using the “doing” to feel worthy and valued (as discussed in my previous post), but I also hid in the doing.  For me, “doing” was my drug of choice (and an extremely acceptable one) that I used to hide from any and all uncomfortable feelings that I had.  Going, doing, accomplishing filled up my days and left little room for my fears and frustrations, insecurities and sadness.  I didn’t have time to feel angry over the insensitive email my mom just sent or sadness over my grandfather’s health because I had dinners and breakfasts to cook, work projects to complete, Costco trips to make, toilets to clean, and so on and so on and so on…. 

For many many years, I numbed my uncomfortable feelings by going, going and going some more.  However, I was not only numbing the uncomfortable (i.e. bad) emotions but also the good emotion.  Brene Brown in the book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” says it perfectly, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions we also numb the positive.”  She goes on to explain that when numb our positive emotions, when the hard emotions come, we have nothing to draw on.  Numbing cuts us off from what would carry us through the difficult times. 

Slowing down was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  My entire life was based on doing and accomplishing, achieving and going.  As discussed in my previous post, society praises doing and accomplishing.  There are millions of websites giving tips for “doing more” and “getting more done” and few, if any, websites helping us do less.  We never hear an obituary praising someone’s ability to “stay present” or admiring their ability to “just be.”  Doing “nothing” is described as lazy while packing every second of every day is touted as industrious and hard-working.

When I started cutting back on my go-go-go lifestyle, I felt tremendous guilt.  I had things that needed to be done, how the hell could I sit here and read a book….or sit outside with a glass of wine by myself and watch the sunset.  Then, after the guilt subsided, the terror set in.  I was so used to the noise, the constant chatter that doing generated, that I had no idea what I would find in the silence and the stillness.  I knew I needed to slow down and start really feeling my emotions, but I had been numbing for so long, I was scared about what that meant and if I could handle it.  I felt like a child who’s afraid of the dark…

I started visiting my feelings in moments.  When I was angry at someone, I didn’t immediately fire back at them or vent to someone to try to “feel better.”  When I was frustrated about a situation, I didn’t force myself to “just make a decision” so I could move on (ie do).  I stopped rationalizing my feelings or trying to talk myself out of the feeling I was feeling.  I stopped zoning out to mindless tv when I was upset or eating to fill up the emotional pit in my stomach.  Instead, I paused and tried to allow myself to feel the fullness of each feeling.  What I found was that after the initial sting of the uncomfortable feeling occurred, the feeling would lesson and the uncomfortableness would subside.  Each time I sat through the sting it became a bit easier to tolerate.  I found myself making better and better decisions since I no longer was making decisions based on, “quick, I just wanna get rid of this feeling…. any way I can.”

By slowing down I gave myself the space to feel my feelings.  I stopped mindlessly moving from task to task and instead allowed myself to live fully in this moment and feel whatever the moment brought.  I allowed myself to fully feel both the “bad” feelings and the “good” ones; and found that the good ones outweigh the bad ones 10 to 1.  You just have to slow down and let it all in….