Once the concept of “you are not your thoughts” sunk in, and the excitement faded, pure terror set in. I had been living in a world that wasn’t real; a world entirely created in my head. Wait, what? I realized why I had struggled so much with this concept; because accepting it as true is fricking hard. Terrifying, anxiety fueled, fear. In a split second, the core of what I believed had vanished. For 45 years I “knew” who I was. I “knew” how to act and what I “thought” I believed in. Now, in one moment, my entire “world” was turned upside down… it was overwhelming… terrifying…. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Accepting that the “rules” I was living by weren’t true was one of the scariest things I have ever done. The rules I had created had provided me safety and certainty when engaging in the world. I knew what was right and what was wrong. I knew what a good mother did and acted accordingly. I knew what a good spouse did, a good daughter did and how a good employee acted. In accepting the concept that I (big I) was not my thoughts (and therefore eliminated the high value I had placed on my thoughts), I wiped out every rule I lived in. Again, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
During the weeks that followed my Aha, I continually struggled to fully accept the “I am not my thoughts” concept. The unsettled feelings were so great that I had many moments where I wished I could un-know the concept and go back to following my made up rules. I remember standing in the grocery store looking at yogurt. I thought to myself, “I want a blueberry yogurt” and immediately felt extreme panic. Did I really like blueberry yogurt or was this some false belief I had? I felt like every thought I had was “up for debate” and that I had no solid ground to stand on.
I felt like ME (big ME) had been kidnapped and held hostage by my thoughts. The big ME had been shoved into a windowless room behind a locked door…hidden behind couches, chairs, large kitchen appliances….. . I didn’t think I had ever even been introduced to this person and now I was being told that this person is ME. I felt like what a kidnap victim must feel like when they are reunited with their family (with their real lives) after 25 years in captivity. Wait, this is my real life?
Looking back on those few weeks, I clearly remember the fear and anxiety. But, now two years later, I now know I had to walk through the intense fear so that I could start to create a life based upon ME and not the made up beliefs and rules that I had been living by.
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