Draining People

“Our Creator designed everything he made to have a purpose.”  Pastor TD Jakes

For most of us, along with the twinkling lights, cookies and presents, the holidays force us to interact with annoying, critical, judgmental and/or energy-sucking people.  Your Mom pats your stomach commenting, “Put a bit of weight on, huh?” or a friend criticizes you buying your child a “shoot ‘em up” video game.   The holidays are full of emotional landmines.  What if instead of blaming, complaining, stuffing, drinking, eating or hiding in the garage we saw the holidays as an opportunity to grow, develop and release buried emotions.  All it takes is a shift in perception.

 

For over 40 years I had an unhealthy relationship with my uncomfortable and unwanted emotions.  I typically blamed other people for feeling the way I did and complained to friends or vented to non-offending family members.  I played emotional hot potato with my anger/frustration/hurt and then stuffed anything left over.  After an extremely angry exchange with my parents, I knew it was time to change.  

 

For me, understanding and accepting responsibility for my emotions was easier said than done.  Cerebrally I understood the principle, but I had no idea how to change my pattern of blaming and stuffing.  I knew I needed some new behavior to interrupt my well-ingrained pattern so I decided to stop all venting and complaining.  If I had a negative encounter, I wouldn’t talk about it (thereby reliving it) but instead would allow the crappy feelings to do whatever they were going to do.  

 

“Growth is never about focusing on someone else's lessons, but only on our own.  We aren't victims of the world outside us.  As hard as it is to believe sometimes, we're always responsible for how we see things.”   Marrianne Williamson

 

It definitely was hard but little by little, I became less triggered.  I found myself less impacted by outside, negative events and became better able to handle uncomfortable emotions without always blaming or stuffing.  I began to feel calmer and lighter; my challenging relationship began to improve.  I am still a work in progress but I know I am moving in the right direction.  

 

If you are faced with triggering people during the holidays (as I am), maybe change your perspective and view them as teachers who have the ability to help you grow and evolve.  Those people who trigger your “soft spots” are identifying the areas inside you that you still need to work on and allow you to work on handling negative emotions.  At the end of the holidays you might even thank them for helping you grow. (well, maybe not)  

 

Good Luck and Happy Thanksgiving!

Where Do You Put Your Energy?

I have been listening to a Caroline Myss workshop and today she spoke about energy and power.  She believes that every morning we wake up fully infused with energy and power and that as we move through our day, we intermittently give our energy/power away.  Exhausted most of the time and interested in staying up later than my 9 year old, I asked the questions Caroline noted as relevant. 

Where do I give away my energy and power?  

Do I put my energy/power in the past or in the future?  Ah, yes.  I routinely think about the past and my non-jiggly, P90X arms from 5 years ago; I then beat myself up for how so very very very far I have fallen.  I also worry about my son’s future.  Did I melt his brain by putting on Baby Einstein videos when I showered or am I giving him “only child syndrome” by not having another child?  Do I put energy in the past or future?  Yep, check. 

Do I put my energy/power in people?  Again, yep.  Recently I was not invited to a friend’s dinner party; I was hurt and spent several days obsessing over how I could have been a better friend.  I also give away a lot of my power to my parents.  A critical comment about my parenting or my weight can send me wanting to crawl into bed and stay there for weeks.  Do I give my power away to people?  That’s a most definitely. 

Do I put my energy/power into things?  Again, yes yes yes.  Often I allow my scale or how tight my jeans are to determine whether my day will be good or bad.  Money is always an emotionally charged topic and recently, when my computer suddenly died, I threw a fit that would make a 2 year old proud.  Do I put my energy in things?  Again, check!

Just asking those few questions made me realize how much energy/power I routinely toss aside.  No wonder I am always exhausted!!!

If you are curious about your energy/power, ask yourself the above questions.  Then, as you move through your day be aware of the landmines that you have identified.  Little by little, as you stop tossing away your energy, you will find yourself filled up with more energy.  I personally am hoping that maybe, just maybe, at some point I will have saved up enough energy to routinely stay up later than my son! 

Moments are Enough

During one “exit interview” at our last retreat, I had a mother of 2 small children ask me anxiously how she was going to incorporate any of the BIGGER (spiritual) practices and theories she had learned.  Her life wasn’t her own so how was she possibly going to meditate for 20 minutes or work on growing her intuition?  That is the 6 million dollar question isn’t it?  I want to bring my fullest, best self to my life but how do I do that when my life is jam packed with wall to wall obligations?  

Focus on moments.  Focus on your breath (which gets you out of your head) for one moment getting into the car or making mac and cheese.  Bring yourself fully into one moment while you are taking a shower and really feel the water.  Notice the trees or the sky while you are driving.  Take a 5 minute meditation when things are calm or listen to a Rob Bell or TD Jakes podcast as you drive (there are many, those are just my personal favorites).  Work out to an Oprah Soul Sunday or watch a 2 minute clip on some topic that speaks to you on her website.  Read a book or journal while waiting at the dentist/doctor.  Read my blog.  J.  

Each moment adds up…. and then one day YOU (big you) show up and handles a situation differently and more consciously than the small you would have.  

Over the weekend we had a dinner party.  Since everyone left late, we piled up most of the dishes in the sink to do the next day.  My husband had an early tee time for a charity golf tournament the next day but I woke up to a note saying, “leave everything and I will do it when I get home.”  It was very sweet of him but I didn’t mind watching football all afternoon and cleaning.  When he got home, everything was clean and all that was left was for him to put away the dishes. 

The next day after he had left on a business trip, I realized that all the dishes were not put away.  I glared at the fondue pot sitting on the counter and I immediately wanted to text him angrily in all caps.  My thoughts began to swirl, “He is soooo selfish and self-absorbed; he can’t even do one thing while I did a million things; he is sooo ungrateful for all I do….and on and on and on.”  I became angrier and angrier (as you can imagine).  But, for some reason, I did…….absolutely nothing.  I paused and thought about how he most likely just missed it and that he was on a business trip.  Although the fondue pot was important to me in that moment, was it really important overall….. ahhh nope.  Contrary to my thoughts, the fondue pot on the counter did not mean he was selfish or didn’t care about me.  It was just a fondue pot sitting on the counter…..that’s it. 

5 years ago I would have sent that angry text.  I would have truly believed all of my thoughts and texted him about how little he valued or appreciated me.  I would have thought he was totally selfish and probably would have been in such a tizzy that I would have wondered about my marriage….again, about a single fondue pot.  But, due to all the moments I have done over the years, I handled the situation much differently.  

Focusing on moments allows your spiritual self, big YOU, to find its way into your everyday life.  Little by little each moment allows YOU to seep a little more into your days, your relationships and your behaviors.  Eventually, one day you will shock yourself by handling a situation differently and more consciously. You will look back and say to yourself, “Wowza that was ME (big) showing up!”

Moments are enough. 

Change CAN Happen

Today is my 47^th Birthday.  For the last few days I have been feeling a bit sad; however, today when I woke up, the sadness overwhelmed me.  As I crawled out of bed, I was met with balloons, flowers, cards and happy birthday wishes.  I smiled and felt the love from my family yet the sadness inside remained. After dropping my son off at school, I thought about having a good cry on the way home in the hopes of relieving some of the sadness.  Instead, for some reason I decided to listen to a podcast; and as always happens, it was exactly what I needed.  

I listened to Rob Bell’s podcast entitled “Increments and Explosions.”  As I read the title I knew part of my sadness stemmed from me feeling stuck in my growing process.  I had co-led a wellness retreat a few weeks prior and during the process I felt jealous about the big A-Ha’s that I saw the attendees having.  When I read the title of the podcast, I knew I longed for an Explosion of my own!!!

As I listened, Rob discussed how explosions come when you are at the end of yourself.  When you know something isn’t working in your life and you have tried everything physically possible but nothing changes.  When you finally throw up your hands and ask the power bigger than the self to help.  When you ask for a new way of “seeing” the problem or situation and a shift occurs.  But he said this new way of “seeing” can only come when 1) you are honest about what isn’t working in your life AND 2) when you are willing to give up and let go of what isn’t working. 

I have been struggling with my weight (and to be honest overeating) now for several years and on several occasions been at the end of myself and meditated asking for help.  Although I would feel inspired during the silence of the meditation, the pattern of overeating remained.  As I listened to Rob’s words, I felt inspired to meditate on the issue one more time; but, just as that thought finished, the thought, “Wait until tomorrow because today is your birthday and today you should be able to eat anything you want” appeared.  Immediately it became clear why a change to my eating hadn’t previously occurred.  I was being honest about the issue; yet I wasn’t willing to give up the behavior.  A-HA!

My weight gain/overeating had started when my grandfather’s health began deteriorating.  I was constantly exhausted and running on empty.  Every moment of my life became about everyone else.  At the end of the day, when I was eating, it was the one time where I could say “no, I can’t do that….im eating.”  It was my time and the eating allowed me to check out from my life and ignore the fact that my entire life wasn’t working.  Although now the landscape of my life is entirely different, the pattern of overeating remains.  It remains comfortable and an easy place to hide from any feelings or issues I don’t want to face.  When I am in physical pain, I overeat.  When I am feeling sad about not seeing a good friend for months, I overeat.  When I feel unappreciated or lonely or tired…..I hide out in my overeating from my life.  And I am holding on to this destructive pattern with an iron fist.  

As I kept listening, Rob Bell discussed the reason most people don’t change.  He stated that the familiar, even if it isn’t working, is comfortable.  And if you aren’t 100% willing to let go of the thing in your life that isn’t working, then no amount of “please let me see this situation differently” will work because you are aren’t fully letting go.  You can’t have a new normal unless you let go of the past.  I knew I hadn’t changed because I was still holding on to the comfort that food and overeating gave me. 

Rob Bell said that truly happy people hold life lightly so if something needs to change, change flows easily.  I have been holding on tightly to my overeating which is why change has not occurred.  I have to be fully okay with never overeating again before a new way of “seeing” happens and the transformation to a new normal happens.   

Thank you Rob Bell. 

Living Reactively

I was just listening to a podcast that added another layer to the topic DOING vs. BEING discussion.  The “just do it” podcast by Pastor TD Jakes discussed the connection between BEING and DOING.  He instructed that DOING should flow out of BEING; yet we typically are so involved in the DOING that we give little, if any, thought into our BEING.  The podcast made me think about how much of my life is lived from a reactive position instead of the way more powerful, pro-active, flowing from BEING, position.  

We are a society busier than ever with technology connecting us to DOING 24-7. We feel like we need to DO something for each issue or change.  We read that blueberries are great for us so we react and start eating blueberries.   Our phone dings and within seconds we are picking up the phone to see who it is.  “Experts” tell us children without siblings grow up to be selfish so we have 2 children.  Society tells us tells us thinner is better so we lose weight.  Advertisements show us cool new products we need and a food commercial makes us get up for a bag of chips.   No wonder so many people say they don’t know who they are, they are living other people’s lives.  We are (me too!) substituting everyone else’s judgements, opinions, demands and needs for our own. 

"When you don't know who you are, chances are you don't know what you want.  When you don't know what you want, there is no chance for you to get it."  Iyanla Vanzant
 

 We feel like the DOING will eventually bring us happiness, peace, contentment and joy.  “I will eventually BE happy if I just DO enough.” Yet, happiness is never found in the DOING unless it arises from your BEING.  

Only you know what is right for you!  But, we are going so fast that finding ourselves, i.e. our BEING, can be really REALLY hard….because it requires…..silence and doing NOTHING. (I know how this may cause panic in a lot of people). Personally my BEING (I call my being my “gut”) told  me that its “right” and okay to have only one child no matter what people say.  My BEING continually told me to share my growing experiences and start this blog (if you know me personally you know I soooo didn’t want to).  In both instances, the DOING (or not doing) flowed directly from my BEING.  I was doing what I knew was right for me no matter what people said and the DOING brought me, and continues to bring me, a level of peace and contentment. 

Of course our lives must contain an element of reactive DOING.  Yet, if we would slow down and add moments of silence and stillness to our lives, we would be able to meet our true selves and start living the lives we are supposed to.  Not the lives of everyone else!!!

"If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." Audre Lorde  

I Just Needed a bit of Silence

Driving my son to tennis camp at 9 am, I watched as his head repeatedly drooped and he struggled to stay awake.  The last few days had been activity jam-packed and with a later bedtime, it seemed he had reached his limit.  Pulling into the parking lot, he asked me if I would wait a bit because he might be too tired to stay.  When he said he might need to go home, I immediately felt a wave of “yes, yes, yes….come home.”   As I told him to “just try,” I felt myself silently urging him to jump back in the car and come home. 

Driving home after his “okay to stay” thumbs up, I contemplated why I wanted him to come home when I had a gazillion things to do.  Arriving home, I had no answers.  

I looked at the clock and calculated I had 2 kid-free hours.  I immediately felt overwhelmed with all I “had to” accomplish in those 2 hours; work, workout, clean, grocery shop, dinner, laundry…and so on and so on and so on.  Walking into the laundry room, I felt my gut urging me to relax and sit in silence for a bit.  As my hands folded the laundry, my gut and my head engaged in a battle about what I should do:    

            Head:  Seriously gut, she has a crap load that she needs to get done today. 

            Gut:  Yes, but she needs some silence to get some perspective about her feelings and why she is feeling overwhelmed. 

            Head:  But, she has only 2 hours and has WAY more important things to do: work, laundry, workout, house cleaning… .   

            Gut:  That is utter BS!!!  She doesn’t NEED to get all of those things done in the next 2 hours or even today.  I thought we had already let go of this BS belief that DOING trumps BEING!!!!!  She can take a few minutes to simply BE.  Are we human beings or human doings?

            Head:  But, if my husband comes home and nothing is done, he will give me the “what the hell did you do all day?”

            Gut:  That is a completely ridiculous thought; it’s just your head and its BS belief trying to bolster its position. 

            Head:  Dammit, I know you are right since I have already worked through this.

            Gut:  I AM right and you are wrong.  I win….. so let’s meditate.

 

I sat down in my comfy chair, closed my eyes and was shocked to hear what was going on in my head.  My thoughts were like a million bouncy balls zooming around in my brain.  I focused on relaxing my body allowing the schizophrenic “you are lazy” thoughts to continue but trying not to engage with them.  After a few minutes, I felt my body relax (I didn’t know it was tight at all) and the barrage of “must go-go-go” thoughts slowed.  I settled into my body and saw clearly that for the last few weeks I had been living in my head consumed by my thoughts.  I realized that my BS belief demanding I “do” to have worth and value had once again taken over my life. Opening my eyes after 10 minutes, I appreciated the gifts mere silence had given me.  The silence got me out of head, allowed me to separate from my thoughts and to re-align my life with what is truly important.   

 

When it is chaotic, it is so very easy to revert to old patterns and become caught up with the going and doing.  But, these are the times where silence will benefit us the most.  As we all get busier and busier, we start living entirely in our heads.  We get stuff “done” but we get farther and farther away from the clarity, peace, calmness and/or joy that we desire.  Silence pulls us out of our heads and into our bigger selves where everything we need and are looking for lies. 

 

Seeing vs. SEEING

In the last few weeks I have heard two stories that were wonderfully full of grace.  However, I realized that to see the grace and appreciate the beauty and fullness of the events, you would have to have the ability to SEE.  

 

Story 1:  A recently single friend of mine had been dating this guy for about a month and felt like it was getting semi-serious.  One evening during their regular telephone call, my friend made a flippant statement that must have challenged his sensibilities.  Even though she repeatedly apologized, within days she received the “I’m too busy” break up text. 

 

 Hurt, confused and bummed, the next day she was walking into Target and “coincidentally,” followed this adorable young guy into the store.  Suddenly, he turned around and said to her, “Let me get those doors for you.”  The automatic doors of the store opened and with a laugh and a smile, they both entered the store.  Later, getting back into her car, she felt a deep sense of “I will be okay.” 

For anyone not SEEING, this is merely a coincidence.  But, how many people do you know that this has happened to?  It sure hasn’t happened to me… or anyone else I know.  Yet, the day after my friend’s break up, she has an encounter that leaves her with the powerful feeling, “I will be okay.” She received exactly what she needed at exactly the right moment. 

 Story 2:  Recently, before a visit with his Dad, my husband had a huge AHA about himself and his relationship with his Dad.  For the past 10 years, visits from my father-in-law created an anxious and stressed out household and husband.  After every visit, my husband would have a “visit hangover” wondering what the hell just happened and why he acted that way.   

 

So, I was totally surprised when I walked out of our bedroom one morning a few days before my father-in-law’s visit and was met with an elated and excited husband.  He eagerly started telling me about the huge AHA breakthrough he had the night before speaking for 20 minutes without taking a breath.  He had uncovered so much buried emotion and had finally seen himself, his childhood and his Dad clearly.  He discussed feeling like for the first time he was seeing through man eyes and not child eyes.  He felt like he had uncovered a new and previously unknown side of himself.  He expressed over and over how huge this breakthrough felt and knowing what this meant, I told him a bit of fear could settle once the excitement wore off.       

 

When he got to work that day, he checked his horoscope which said: 

 

You thought past memories were safely hidden away, but they could explode into your consciousness now, shattering your illusion of emotional detachment. Needless to say, this mental shift is disconcerting since you are much more comfortable when your rational mind is in charge. It's no use trying to put everything back as it was. Instead, be responsive to whatever happens today by openly expressing your feelings.

 

This horoscope so perfectly summed up what he had experienced for the last 24 hours that he was blown away. He emailed it to me and all I could see were the words giving him a pat on the back.  A great big “Congratulations” and “great job” and providing the reassurance that he is on the right track even though it might be uncomfortable going forward.  SEEING the fullness and beauty of this event, I cried after I read his email truly overwhelmed by the grace of the Universe.

 

These types of events are all around us yet most of us fail to see or appreciate them.  Either we are go-go-going so fast that we miss them altogether or we are so stuck in our “seeing equals reality” thinking that we limit the event to the tangible thereby failing to appreciate the fullness and grace. 

 

When we slow down, when we get out of our heads and stay in the present, when we SEE with more expansive eyes, the world looks different.   When we SEE, an event isn’t just an event.  When we SEE, a chance encounter with someone may be pointing towards a career, a new friendship or a romantic relationship.  When we SEE, we appreciate that the book we chose from our stack speaks directly to the issue we are facing.  When we SEE, the guy at Target is a delivery boy for laughter and confirmation that my friend will be alright.  When we SEE, we see the horoscope as a pat on the back validating the breakthrough and the knowledge gained.  

 

When we SEE, we can appreciate that the universe (Source, God, etc.) sends us gifts wrapped up in events.  When we SEE, we feel the Universe rooting for us, supporting us and guiding us to our fullest and best lives.  Slow down.  Soften your connection to the physical and what you see.  SEE, and be amazed at the grace and beauty present in so many simple situations and events.