I Just Needed a bit of Silence

Driving my son to tennis camp at 9 am, I watched as his head repeatedly drooped and he struggled to stay awake.  The last few days had been activity jam-packed and with a later bedtime, it seemed he had reached his limit.  Pulling into the parking lot, he asked me if I would wait a bit because he might be too tired to stay.  When he said he might need to go home, I immediately felt a wave of “yes, yes, yes….come home.”   As I told him to “just try,” I felt myself silently urging him to jump back in the car and come home. 

Driving home after his “okay to stay” thumbs up, I contemplated why I wanted him to come home when I had a gazillion things to do.  Arriving home, I had no answers.  

I looked at the clock and calculated I had 2 kid-free hours.  I immediately felt overwhelmed with all I “had to” accomplish in those 2 hours; work, workout, clean, grocery shop, dinner, laundry…and so on and so on and so on.  Walking into the laundry room, I felt my gut urging me to relax and sit in silence for a bit.  As my hands folded the laundry, my gut and my head engaged in a battle about what I should do:    

            Head:  Seriously gut, she has a crap load that she needs to get done today. 

            Gut:  Yes, but she needs some silence to get some perspective about her feelings and why she is feeling overwhelmed. 

            Head:  But, she has only 2 hours and has WAY more important things to do: work, laundry, workout, house cleaning… .   

            Gut:  That is utter BS!!!  She doesn’t NEED to get all of those things done in the next 2 hours or even today.  I thought we had already let go of this BS belief that DOING trumps BEING!!!!!  She can take a few minutes to simply BE.  Are we human beings or human doings?

            Head:  But, if my husband comes home and nothing is done, he will give me the “what the hell did you do all day?”

            Gut:  That is a completely ridiculous thought; it’s just your head and its BS belief trying to bolster its position. 

            Head:  Dammit, I know you are right since I have already worked through this.

            Gut:  I AM right and you are wrong.  I win….. so let’s meditate.

 

I sat down in my comfy chair, closed my eyes and was shocked to hear what was going on in my head.  My thoughts were like a million bouncy balls zooming around in my brain.  I focused on relaxing my body allowing the schizophrenic “you are lazy” thoughts to continue but trying not to engage with them.  After a few minutes, I felt my body relax (I didn’t know it was tight at all) and the barrage of “must go-go-go” thoughts slowed.  I settled into my body and saw clearly that for the last few weeks I had been living in my head consumed by my thoughts.  I realized that my BS belief demanding I “do” to have worth and value had once again taken over my life. Opening my eyes after 10 minutes, I appreciated the gifts mere silence had given me.  The silence got me out of head, allowed me to separate from my thoughts and to re-align my life with what is truly important.   

 

When it is chaotic, it is so very easy to revert to old patterns and become caught up with the going and doing.  But, these are the times where silence will benefit us the most.  As we all get busier and busier, we start living entirely in our heads.  We get stuff “done” but we get farther and farther away from the clarity, peace, calmness and/or joy that we desire.  Silence pulls us out of our heads and into our bigger selves where everything we need and are looking for lies.