Moments are Enough

During one “exit interview” at our last retreat, I had a mother of 2 small children ask me anxiously how she was going to incorporate any of the BIGGER (spiritual) practices and theories she had learned.  Her life wasn’t her own so how was she possibly going to meditate for 20 minutes or work on growing her intuition?  That is the 6 million dollar question isn’t it?  I want to bring my fullest, best self to my life but how do I do that when my life is jam packed with wall to wall obligations?  

Focus on moments.  Focus on your breath (which gets you out of your head) for one moment getting into the car or making mac and cheese.  Bring yourself fully into one moment while you are taking a shower and really feel the water.  Notice the trees or the sky while you are driving.  Take a 5 minute meditation when things are calm or listen to a Rob Bell or TD Jakes podcast as you drive (there are many, those are just my personal favorites).  Work out to an Oprah Soul Sunday or watch a 2 minute clip on some topic that speaks to you on her website.  Read a book or journal while waiting at the dentist/doctor.  Read my blog.  J.  

Each moment adds up…. and then one day YOU (big you) show up and handles a situation differently and more consciously than the small you would have.  

Over the weekend we had a dinner party.  Since everyone left late, we piled up most of the dishes in the sink to do the next day.  My husband had an early tee time for a charity golf tournament the next day but I woke up to a note saying, “leave everything and I will do it when I get home.”  It was very sweet of him but I didn’t mind watching football all afternoon and cleaning.  When he got home, everything was clean and all that was left was for him to put away the dishes. 

The next day after he had left on a business trip, I realized that all the dishes were not put away.  I glared at the fondue pot sitting on the counter and I immediately wanted to text him angrily in all caps.  My thoughts began to swirl, “He is soooo selfish and self-absorbed; he can’t even do one thing while I did a million things; he is sooo ungrateful for all I do….and on and on and on.”  I became angrier and angrier (as you can imagine).  But, for some reason, I did…….absolutely nothing.  I paused and thought about how he most likely just missed it and that he was on a business trip.  Although the fondue pot was important to me in that moment, was it really important overall….. ahhh nope.  Contrary to my thoughts, the fondue pot on the counter did not mean he was selfish or didn’t care about me.  It was just a fondue pot sitting on the counter…..that’s it. 

5 years ago I would have sent that angry text.  I would have truly believed all of my thoughts and texted him about how little he valued or appreciated me.  I would have thought he was totally selfish and probably would have been in such a tizzy that I would have wondered about my marriage….again, about a single fondue pot.  But, due to all the moments I have done over the years, I handled the situation much differently.  

Focusing on moments allows your spiritual self, big YOU, to find its way into your everyday life.  Little by little each moment allows YOU to seep a little more into your days, your relationships and your behaviors.  Eventually, one day you will shock yourself by handling a situation differently and more consciously. You will look back and say to yourself, “Wowza that was ME (big) showing up!”

Moments are enough. 

Change CAN Happen

Today is my 47^th Birthday.  For the last few days I have been feeling a bit sad; however, today when I woke up, the sadness overwhelmed me.  As I crawled out of bed, I was met with balloons, flowers, cards and happy birthday wishes.  I smiled and felt the love from my family yet the sadness inside remained. After dropping my son off at school, I thought about having a good cry on the way home in the hopes of relieving some of the sadness.  Instead, for some reason I decided to listen to a podcast; and as always happens, it was exactly what I needed.  

I listened to Rob Bell’s podcast entitled “Increments and Explosions.”  As I read the title I knew part of my sadness stemmed from me feeling stuck in my growing process.  I had co-led a wellness retreat a few weeks prior and during the process I felt jealous about the big A-Ha’s that I saw the attendees having.  When I read the title of the podcast, I knew I longed for an Explosion of my own!!!

As I listened, Rob discussed how explosions come when you are at the end of yourself.  When you know something isn’t working in your life and you have tried everything physically possible but nothing changes.  When you finally throw up your hands and ask the power bigger than the self to help.  When you ask for a new way of “seeing” the problem or situation and a shift occurs.  But he said this new way of “seeing” can only come when 1) you are honest about what isn’t working in your life AND 2) when you are willing to give up and let go of what isn’t working. 

I have been struggling with my weight (and to be honest overeating) now for several years and on several occasions been at the end of myself and meditated asking for help.  Although I would feel inspired during the silence of the meditation, the pattern of overeating remained.  As I listened to Rob’s words, I felt inspired to meditate on the issue one more time; but, just as that thought finished, the thought, “Wait until tomorrow because today is your birthday and today you should be able to eat anything you want” appeared.  Immediately it became clear why a change to my eating hadn’t previously occurred.  I was being honest about the issue; yet I wasn’t willing to give up the behavior.  A-HA!

My weight gain/overeating had started when my grandfather’s health began deteriorating.  I was constantly exhausted and running on empty.  Every moment of my life became about everyone else.  At the end of the day, when I was eating, it was the one time where I could say “no, I can’t do that….im eating.”  It was my time and the eating allowed me to check out from my life and ignore the fact that my entire life wasn’t working.  Although now the landscape of my life is entirely different, the pattern of overeating remains.  It remains comfortable and an easy place to hide from any feelings or issues I don’t want to face.  When I am in physical pain, I overeat.  When I am feeling sad about not seeing a good friend for months, I overeat.  When I feel unappreciated or lonely or tired…..I hide out in my overeating from my life.  And I am holding on to this destructive pattern with an iron fist.  

As I kept listening, Rob Bell discussed the reason most people don’t change.  He stated that the familiar, even if it isn’t working, is comfortable.  And if you aren’t 100% willing to let go of the thing in your life that isn’t working, then no amount of “please let me see this situation differently” will work because you are aren’t fully letting go.  You can’t have a new normal unless you let go of the past.  I knew I hadn’t changed because I was still holding on to the comfort that food and overeating gave me. 

Rob Bell said that truly happy people hold life lightly so if something needs to change, change flows easily.  I have been holding on tightly to my overeating which is why change has not occurred.  I have to be fully okay with never overeating again before a new way of “seeing” happens and the transformation to a new normal happens.   

Thank you Rob Bell. 

Living Reactively

I was just listening to a podcast that added another layer to the topic DOING vs. BEING discussion.  The “just do it” podcast by Pastor TD Jakes discussed the connection between BEING and DOING.  He instructed that DOING should flow out of BEING; yet we typically are so involved in the DOING that we give little, if any, thought into our BEING.  The podcast made me think about how much of my life is lived from a reactive position instead of the way more powerful, pro-active, flowing from BEING, position.  

We are a society busier than ever with technology connecting us to DOING 24-7. We feel like we need to DO something for each issue or change.  We read that blueberries are great for us so we react and start eating blueberries.   Our phone dings and within seconds we are picking up the phone to see who it is.  “Experts” tell us children without siblings grow up to be selfish so we have 2 children.  Society tells us tells us thinner is better so we lose weight.  Advertisements show us cool new products we need and a food commercial makes us get up for a bag of chips.   No wonder so many people say they don’t know who they are, they are living other people’s lives.  We are (me too!) substituting everyone else’s judgements, opinions, demands and needs for our own. 

"When you don't know who you are, chances are you don't know what you want.  When you don't know what you want, there is no chance for you to get it."  Iyanla Vanzant
 

 We feel like the DOING will eventually bring us happiness, peace, contentment and joy.  “I will eventually BE happy if I just DO enough.” Yet, happiness is never found in the DOING unless it arises from your BEING.  

Only you know what is right for you!  But, we are going so fast that finding ourselves, i.e. our BEING, can be really REALLY hard….because it requires…..silence and doing NOTHING. (I know how this may cause panic in a lot of people). Personally my BEING (I call my being my “gut”) told  me that its “right” and okay to have only one child no matter what people say.  My BEING continually told me to share my growing experiences and start this blog (if you know me personally you know I soooo didn’t want to).  In both instances, the DOING (or not doing) flowed directly from my BEING.  I was doing what I knew was right for me no matter what people said and the DOING brought me, and continues to bring me, a level of peace and contentment. 

Of course our lives must contain an element of reactive DOING.  Yet, if we would slow down and add moments of silence and stillness to our lives, we would be able to meet our true selves and start living the lives we are supposed to.  Not the lives of everyone else!!!

"If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." Audre Lorde  

I Just Needed a bit of Silence

Driving my son to tennis camp at 9 am, I watched as his head repeatedly drooped and he struggled to stay awake.  The last few days had been activity jam-packed and with a later bedtime, it seemed he had reached his limit.  Pulling into the parking lot, he asked me if I would wait a bit because he might be too tired to stay.  When he said he might need to go home, I immediately felt a wave of “yes, yes, yes….come home.”   As I told him to “just try,” I felt myself silently urging him to jump back in the car and come home. 

Driving home after his “okay to stay” thumbs up, I contemplated why I wanted him to come home when I had a gazillion things to do.  Arriving home, I had no answers.  

I looked at the clock and calculated I had 2 kid-free hours.  I immediately felt overwhelmed with all I “had to” accomplish in those 2 hours; work, workout, clean, grocery shop, dinner, laundry…and so on and so on and so on.  Walking into the laundry room, I felt my gut urging me to relax and sit in silence for a bit.  As my hands folded the laundry, my gut and my head engaged in a battle about what I should do:    

            Head:  Seriously gut, she has a crap load that she needs to get done today. 

            Gut:  Yes, but she needs some silence to get some perspective about her feelings and why she is feeling overwhelmed. 

            Head:  But, she has only 2 hours and has WAY more important things to do: work, laundry, workout, house cleaning… .   

            Gut:  That is utter BS!!!  She doesn’t NEED to get all of those things done in the next 2 hours or even today.  I thought we had already let go of this BS belief that DOING trumps BEING!!!!!  She can take a few minutes to simply BE.  Are we human beings or human doings?

            Head:  But, if my husband comes home and nothing is done, he will give me the “what the hell did you do all day?”

            Gut:  That is a completely ridiculous thought; it’s just your head and its BS belief trying to bolster its position. 

            Head:  Dammit, I know you are right since I have already worked through this.

            Gut:  I AM right and you are wrong.  I win….. so let’s meditate.

 

I sat down in my comfy chair, closed my eyes and was shocked to hear what was going on in my head.  My thoughts were like a million bouncy balls zooming around in my brain.  I focused on relaxing my body allowing the schizophrenic “you are lazy” thoughts to continue but trying not to engage with them.  After a few minutes, I felt my body relax (I didn’t know it was tight at all) and the barrage of “must go-go-go” thoughts slowed.  I settled into my body and saw clearly that for the last few weeks I had been living in my head consumed by my thoughts.  I realized that my BS belief demanding I “do” to have worth and value had once again taken over my life. Opening my eyes after 10 minutes, I appreciated the gifts mere silence had given me.  The silence got me out of head, allowed me to separate from my thoughts and to re-align my life with what is truly important.   

 

When it is chaotic, it is so very easy to revert to old patterns and become caught up with the going and doing.  But, these are the times where silence will benefit us the most.  As we all get busier and busier, we start living entirely in our heads.  We get stuff “done” but we get farther and farther away from the clarity, peace, calmness and/or joy that we desire.  Silence pulls us out of our heads and into our bigger selves where everything we need and are looking for lies. 

 

Seeing vs. SEEING

In the last few weeks I have heard two stories that were wonderfully full of grace.  However, I realized that to see the grace and appreciate the beauty and fullness of the events, you would have to have the ability to SEE.  

 

Story 1:  A recently single friend of mine had been dating this guy for about a month and felt like it was getting semi-serious.  One evening during their regular telephone call, my friend made a flippant statement that must have challenged his sensibilities.  Even though she repeatedly apologized, within days she received the “I’m too busy” break up text. 

 

 Hurt, confused and bummed, the next day she was walking into Target and “coincidentally,” followed this adorable young guy into the store.  Suddenly, he turned around and said to her, “Let me get those doors for you.”  The automatic doors of the store opened and with a laugh and a smile, they both entered the store.  Later, getting back into her car, she felt a deep sense of “I will be okay.” 

For anyone not SEEING, this is merely a coincidence.  But, how many people do you know that this has happened to?  It sure hasn’t happened to me… or anyone else I know.  Yet, the day after my friend’s break up, she has an encounter that leaves her with the powerful feeling, “I will be okay.” She received exactly what she needed at exactly the right moment. 

 Story 2:  Recently, before a visit with his Dad, my husband had a huge AHA about himself and his relationship with his Dad.  For the past 10 years, visits from my father-in-law created an anxious and stressed out household and husband.  After every visit, my husband would have a “visit hangover” wondering what the hell just happened and why he acted that way.   

 

So, I was totally surprised when I walked out of our bedroom one morning a few days before my father-in-law’s visit and was met with an elated and excited husband.  He eagerly started telling me about the huge AHA breakthrough he had the night before speaking for 20 minutes without taking a breath.  He had uncovered so much buried emotion and had finally seen himself, his childhood and his Dad clearly.  He discussed feeling like for the first time he was seeing through man eyes and not child eyes.  He felt like he had uncovered a new and previously unknown side of himself.  He expressed over and over how huge this breakthrough felt and knowing what this meant, I told him a bit of fear could settle once the excitement wore off.       

 

When he got to work that day, he checked his horoscope which said: 

 

You thought past memories were safely hidden away, but they could explode into your consciousness now, shattering your illusion of emotional detachment. Needless to say, this mental shift is disconcerting since you are much more comfortable when your rational mind is in charge. It's no use trying to put everything back as it was. Instead, be responsive to whatever happens today by openly expressing your feelings.

 

This horoscope so perfectly summed up what he had experienced for the last 24 hours that he was blown away. He emailed it to me and all I could see were the words giving him a pat on the back.  A great big “Congratulations” and “great job” and providing the reassurance that he is on the right track even though it might be uncomfortable going forward.  SEEING the fullness and beauty of this event, I cried after I read his email truly overwhelmed by the grace of the Universe.

 

These types of events are all around us yet most of us fail to see or appreciate them.  Either we are go-go-going so fast that we miss them altogether or we are so stuck in our “seeing equals reality” thinking that we limit the event to the tangible thereby failing to appreciate the fullness and grace. 

 

When we slow down, when we get out of our heads and stay in the present, when we SEE with more expansive eyes, the world looks different.   When we SEE, an event isn’t just an event.  When we SEE, a chance encounter with someone may be pointing towards a career, a new friendship or a romantic relationship.  When we SEE, we appreciate that the book we chose from our stack speaks directly to the issue we are facing.  When we SEE, the guy at Target is a delivery boy for laughter and confirmation that my friend will be alright.  When we SEE, we see the horoscope as a pat on the back validating the breakthrough and the knowledge gained.  

 

When we SEE, we can appreciate that the universe (Source, God, etc.) sends us gifts wrapped up in events.  When we SEE, we feel the Universe rooting for us, supporting us and guiding us to our fullest and best lives.  Slow down.  Soften your connection to the physical and what you see.  SEE, and be amazed at the grace and beauty present in so many simple situations and events. 

Fear Bully Be Gone!

"Fear is the cause of every problem.”  Michael Singer in the book, “The Untethered Soul.”

A few weeks ago little league baseball season started.  As I sat in the bleachers at the very first game, I was startled to watch my 8 year old son walk out of the dugout and go straight to the pitcher’s mound.  Stunned, having no clue that my son was going to pitch, I watched as he confidently picked up the ball and started warming up.  Seeing him standing on the mound, with all eyes on him, my stomach started churning as I pictured myself in his shoes.  I felt fear and anxiety start to fill my body and I knew without a doubt that I still didn’t have enough confidence, i.e. “fear tolerance” to do what my 8 year old was doing.  As the game started, I asked my husband to find me a Xanax (and possibly a vodka tonic) before again expressing how blown away I was by our 8 year old’s confidence.  

 

After the game, I hugged my son and asked him if he was scared being the first pitcher of the first game of the season.  He said he was “really scared” right before he started but he knew that the feeling would go away once he started pitching.  

 

Wow, he did listen!  You see, over the last year, he and I had many conversations about fear.  A few months prior, all of a sudden he became afraid to go to school.  After we addressed all of the “tangible things” that could be done, we started discussing the nature of fear.  We talked about fear just being a feeling.  And like all feelings they come….and they go.  I told him that our thoughts are simply “made up” and sometimes our untrue thoughts can create fear out of thin air or make the fear seem bigger and worse than it actually is.  We decided to call fear a “bully” and agreed that no bully is prepared for you to stand up to them.  We agreed to stand up to the fear bully whenever it came out.  

 

Following that discussion, my son’s fear lessened day by day.  Many days my son would come home eager to share with me how he stood up the “fear bully” and how the “fear bully” ran away immediately.  

 

It all came full circle on our family trip to Jamaica.  Riding back to our hotel after completing a zip lining course through the jungle, I asked my son if he had been scared.  After he shook his head “no,” I shared how absolutely terrified I had been being snapped onto the first line but that I faced my “fear bully” and after that, I had a total blast.  My son responded definitively, “Well Mom, past the fear is fun.”  

 

Fear generates thoughts that act like a scary movie totally enveloping us and making us believe worst case and totally unlikely outcomes.  We then react to these images by feeling scared and anxious.  Wanting these uncomfortable feelings to go away ASAP, we typically back away from the fear trigger as quickly as possible.  We then tape-off this section of our life avoiding it at all costs.  We know fear, anxiety and other evils live behind that tape and know for sure we don’t want to go there again. 

 

However, each fear we experience, and don’t face, simply tapes off another section of life.  Little by little, if we don’t let ourselves to feel the fear, our lives become small.  We live our lives within the confines of our box of safety.  We fail to grow or push ourselves into new experiences.  Our life becomes dull and boring.  

 

The next time my fears are triggered, I am going to follow my son’s lead.  I am going to step confidently right into the fear and wait for it to pass.  According to him, “behind the fear is fun.”  I intend to find out. 

******* 

“What I learned in that moment is that when you face your fears, they aren’t as big as you thought they were.  What makes them big is when you don’t turn around to face them head-on.  The longer you avoid your fears the bigger they grow in your mind…. Most people fail because they become paralyzed by their fear….”  Steve Harvey.

YOU are in there....somewhere

Recently, a lot of my friends have been talking about how they have lost themselves and don’t know who they are anymore.  They admit they consistently feel disconnected from themselves, from life and from their loved ones.  

I personally believe the problem stems mostly from our own disconnection with ourselves; and although this may seem surprising, this disconnection really began when we were kids.  As kids we were rarely encouraged to “just be yourself.”  Instead, we were constantly told the right way to act:  get good grades; don’t make a mess; put the seat up when you pee, don’t shoot the dog with your Nerf gun, play the piano, be a cheerleader, play soccer, girls have long hair.  Although some of these restrictions were to keep us safe, many of the “rules” inflicted on us were just our parents “stuff” being passed onto us.

Also as kids we were routinely told how to feel (or more often how not to feel); “The dark isn’t scary” or “Of course you want to play baseball - it will be fun!”  Falling and scraping your knee and your mom rushes over and rubs your knee telling you over and over, “hush, you’re fine; hush, you’re fine.” Over and over we got messages about what we shouldn’t be feeling and/or told what we should be feeling. 

As we were already starting to lose touch with who we were and what we were feeling, we then moved out into the world.  And the world gave us more signals about the right and wrong ways to act and feel.  Our teachers assign grades determining one’s “smartness” and we learn early on to hide our feelings whether we got an A (bragging) or a D(admit you aren’t as smart as anyone else).  Our peers tell us which jeans or sneakers to buy and how to feel about a certain classmate’s behavior or teacher.  Society tells us “success” is having monetary wealth, power or fame and depending on the channel you watch, the news tells us who is good and who is bad and how angry we should be about it all.  Magazines tell us how we should be cooking and books tell us how to raise our children.  Zappos tells us “these” boots will make us happy and Pintrest instructs us how to be a good mom and throw the perfect 1 year old birthday party.   

Year after year we are bombarded with people (self-described experts) from every corner of our lives telling us right from wrong and the appropriate way to feel.  After constantly being inundated with “expert” advice, from our parents, teachers, friends, tv, magazines, the internet and books, it is no wonder that we have no idea who WE are or how WE feel.   

The situation reminds me of the movie “The Runaway Bride” in which Julia Roberts has multiple fiancés but each time calls off the wedding.  A reporter asks each jilted fiancé how she liked her eggs prepared.  Each fiancé answered differently emphatically stating that she liked her eggs the same way he liked his.  In each relationship Julia Roberts made herself into whatever she thought her fiancé wanted.  

We were each born to be us and no one, not our parents, best friend or any “expert” knows who us is!  We were all meant to be distinctive with different personalities and possessing unique gifts to share.  Yet, we were all raised to conform and follow the rules.  And each day that we follow the rules and do what is expected, by parents, friends, society, etc., we move a little bit farther away from who we truly are and were designed to be.    

We need to strip back the layers and layers of other people’s “right” ways to act and feel.  We need to allow ourselves to like what we like and feel the way we feel without judging ourselves.  We need to say “no” when we really want to say “no” and to stop filling our days with other people’s expectations of what we should be doing.  Let every decision be an inquiry into finding the real you.  Do I want to go to lunch with that friend?  Do I even like that friend? Do I want to go to lunch where she wants to go to lunch?  How does she make me feel?  How do I feel about the invite?  With each answer, you will begin to strip away the layers and layers of other people’s “rightness” and start to find your own, personal and utterly unique and special, “YOU-ness!”