I personally believe the problem stems mostly from our own disconnection with ourselves; and although this may seem surprising, this disconnection really began when we were kids. As kids we were rarely encouraged to “just be yourself.” Instead, we were constantly told the right way to act: get good grades; don’t make a mess; put the seat up when you pee, don’t shoot the dog with your Nerf gun, play the piano, be a cheerleader, play soccer, girls have long hair. Although some of these restrictions were to keep us safe, many of the “rules” inflicted on us were just our parents “stuff” being passed onto us.
Also as kids we were routinely told how to feel (or more often how not to feel); “The dark isn’t scary” or “Of course you want to play baseball - it will be fun!” Falling and scraping your knee and your mom rushes over and rubs your knee telling you over and over, “hush, you’re fine; hush, you’re fine.” Over and over we got messages about what we shouldn’t be feeling and/or told what we should be feeling.
As we were already starting to lose touch with who we were and what we were feeling, we then moved out into the world. And the world gave us more signals about the right and wrong ways to act and feel. Our teachers assign grades determining one’s “smartness” and we learn early on to hide our feelings whether we got an A (bragging) or a D(admit you aren’t as smart as anyone else). Our peers tell us which jeans or sneakers to buy and how to feel about a certain classmate’s behavior or teacher. Society tells us “success” is having monetary wealth, power or fame and depending on the channel you watch, the news tells us who is good and who is bad and how angry we should be about it all. Magazines tell us how we should be cooking and books tell us how to raise our children. Zappos tells us “these” boots will make us happy and Pintrest instructs us how to be a good mom and throw the perfect 1 year old birthday party.
Year after year we are bombarded with people (self-described experts) from every corner of our lives telling us right from wrong and the appropriate way to feel. After constantly being inundated with “expert” advice, from our parents, teachers, friends, tv, magazines, the internet and books, it is no wonder that we have no idea who WE are or how WE feel.
The situation reminds me of the movie “The Runaway Bride” in which Julia Roberts has multiple fiancés but each time calls off the wedding. A reporter asks each jilted fiancé how she liked her eggs prepared. Each fiancé answered differently emphatically stating that she liked her eggs the same way he liked his. In each relationship Julia Roberts made herself into whatever she thought her fiancé wanted.
We were each born to be us and no one, not our parents, best friend or any “expert” knows who us is! We were all meant to be distinctive with different personalities and possessing unique gifts to share. Yet, we were all raised to conform and follow the rules. And each day that we follow the rules and do what is expected, by parents, friends, society, etc., we move a little bit farther away from who we truly are and were designed to be.
We need to strip back the layers and layers of other people’s “right” ways to act and feel. We need to allow ourselves to like what we like and feel the way we feel without judging ourselves. We need to say “no” when we really want to say “no” and to stop filling our days with other people’s expectations of what we should be doing. Let every decision be an inquiry into finding the real you. Do I want to go to lunch with that friend? Do I even like that friend? Do I want to go to lunch where she wants to go to lunch? How does she make me feel? How do I feel about the invite? With each answer, you will begin to strip away the layers and layers of other people’s “rightness” and start to find your own, personal and utterly unique and special, “YOU-ness!”
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