YOU are in there....somewhere

Recently, a lot of my friends have been talking about how they have lost themselves and don’t know who they are anymore.  They admit they consistently feel disconnected from themselves, from life and from their loved ones.  

I personally believe the problem stems mostly from our own disconnection with ourselves; and although this may seem surprising, this disconnection really began when we were kids.  As kids we were rarely encouraged to “just be yourself.”  Instead, we were constantly told the right way to act:  get good grades; don’t make a mess; put the seat up when you pee, don’t shoot the dog with your Nerf gun, play the piano, be a cheerleader, play soccer, girls have long hair.  Although some of these restrictions were to keep us safe, many of the “rules” inflicted on us were just our parents “stuff” being passed onto us.

Also as kids we were routinely told how to feel (or more often how not to feel); “The dark isn’t scary” or “Of course you want to play baseball - it will be fun!”  Falling and scraping your knee and your mom rushes over and rubs your knee telling you over and over, “hush, you’re fine; hush, you’re fine.” Over and over we got messages about what we shouldn’t be feeling and/or told what we should be feeling. 

As we were already starting to lose touch with who we were and what we were feeling, we then moved out into the world.  And the world gave us more signals about the right and wrong ways to act and feel.  Our teachers assign grades determining one’s “smartness” and we learn early on to hide our feelings whether we got an A (bragging) or a D(admit you aren’t as smart as anyone else).  Our peers tell us which jeans or sneakers to buy and how to feel about a certain classmate’s behavior or teacher.  Society tells us “success” is having monetary wealth, power or fame and depending on the channel you watch, the news tells us who is good and who is bad and how angry we should be about it all.  Magazines tell us how we should be cooking and books tell us how to raise our children.  Zappos tells us “these” boots will make us happy and Pintrest instructs us how to be a good mom and throw the perfect 1 year old birthday party.   

Year after year we are bombarded with people (self-described experts) from every corner of our lives telling us right from wrong and the appropriate way to feel.  After constantly being inundated with “expert” advice, from our parents, teachers, friends, tv, magazines, the internet and books, it is no wonder that we have no idea who WE are or how WE feel.   

The situation reminds me of the movie “The Runaway Bride” in which Julia Roberts has multiple fiancés but each time calls off the wedding.  A reporter asks each jilted fiancé how she liked her eggs prepared.  Each fiancé answered differently emphatically stating that she liked her eggs the same way he liked his.  In each relationship Julia Roberts made herself into whatever she thought her fiancé wanted.  

We were each born to be us and no one, not our parents, best friend or any “expert” knows who us is!  We were all meant to be distinctive with different personalities and possessing unique gifts to share.  Yet, we were all raised to conform and follow the rules.  And each day that we follow the rules and do what is expected, by parents, friends, society, etc., we move a little bit farther away from who we truly are and were designed to be.    

We need to strip back the layers and layers of other people’s “right” ways to act and feel.  We need to allow ourselves to like what we like and feel the way we feel without judging ourselves.  We need to say “no” when we really want to say “no” and to stop filling our days with other people’s expectations of what we should be doing.  Let every decision be an inquiry into finding the real you.  Do I want to go to lunch with that friend?  Do I even like that friend? Do I want to go to lunch where she wants to go to lunch?  How does she make me feel?  How do I feel about the invite?  With each answer, you will begin to strip away the layers and layers of other people’s “rightness” and start to find your own, personal and utterly unique and special, “YOU-ness!”

Heart Chakra Meditation

Last year I visited Red Mountain Resort and Spa.  During my stay, I received an “Intuitive Energy Reading.” The description of the Reading said it would help me “find connection to source, heal past wounds, realize forgiveness and create balance in your energy field.”  To be honest, I had no idea what that meant; but, I was intrigued.

I was blown away by the Reading gaining so many insights!  Throughout the Reading she talked about the power of meditation.  Specifically, she spoke about the power of meditating while engaging the heart chakra.  She showed how to engage the heart chakra by moving your hand in a circular motion over your heart and torso area. She explained that engaging the heart chakra adds power to your meditation. She said to do this motion while both thinking the words of what you would like to happen and visualizing your life after it happened. 

I came home and tried to consistently implement this meditation.  However, each time I tried, my skepticism and logical brain would tell me I was absolutely loony for thinking meditation could/would create any real results. After a few days, my skepticism won and I stopped meditating.

Six months ago, my husband and I were talking about our finances and I remembered the heart chakra meditation.  So, as we were standing in our bathroom getting ready to go to work, we did a 3 minute, heart chakra meditation.  We both made circular hand motions over our heart as we said, “I am powerfully calling down monetary wealth and financial stability.” We visualized having more money and being less stressed.  My husband probably visualized new golf clubs as I visualized a new, totally undented and doors fully functioning, car.  After a few minutes we both chuckled feeling a bit silly for believing a quick meditation would have any real impact on our finances.  

 

The very next day, our mortgage broker called telling us that our home refinance had gone through.  This was a complete shock.  Several months prior she had told us that our refinance was being denied by the department holding our second mortgage.  However, unbeknownst to us our broker was total irritated by their refusal.  So, she pushed and pushed the department going up the management chain of command until she finally got approval.  We were told refinancing was impossible; yet the day after our heart chakra meditation, the impossible happened creating more “monetary wealth and financial stability.”

 

Even with the next day timing, I chalked it up to coincidence refusing to accept our heart chakra meditation “caused” our refinance.  So, I didn’t continue meditating. However, 3 days ago my husband and I resurrected the heart chakra meditation again visualizing, “monetary wealth and financial stability.”  The results have been again, utterly surprising and totally tangible.  

 

Day 1:  My husband and I did a quick 2 minute heart chakra meditation together while making dinner.  The next day my husband secured 2 new, huge customers who he has been communicating with for a long time.  These new customers not only result in additional commissions but also bolster performance resulting in a larger annual raise. 

Day 2:  While falling asleep I did another quick heart chakra meditation again “powerfully calling down monetary wealth and financial stability.”  The next day I received an email from one of my clients who I haven’t heard from in 6 months.  He wanted to know if it was possible to secure my services on a consistent basis for the long-term (Ah, Absolutely!) 

 

Day 3:  Had a moment of, “hey this heart meditation thing is really working” so I did a few minutes of meditation while sitting at my desk.  The next day I received an email from my family telling me they were giving me a significant, monthly raise for my “fantastic job” handling our rental property.  

 

I soooo want to dismiss all of this as coincidence.  My rational brain is screaming loudly, “YOU ARE A COMPLETE LOON IF YOU THINK THIS WORKS!”  But, the fact is that every day after I did a heart chakra meditation about money, an out of the blue event occurred tangibly and directly increasing my family’s income.   As much as my lawyer-thinking brain believes I am a total whack-a-doo for thinking this actually works, the side of me that just saw tangible results thinks, “well hell, I’m gonna add thinner thighs to my meditation wish-list.” 

Seeing the Other Side

Last week I started watching the movie Twelve Years a Slave.  A few minutes into the movie, the main character is kidnapped and beaten.  As I watched, I felt like I was going to throw up.  Tears welled up in my eyes as feelings of outrage, grief, sorrow and agony overwhelmed me.  My reaction was so strong that I turned the movie off unable to continue.      

Then, a few days later I started watching Soul Sunday about compassion.  Compassion was explained as “feeling or enduring with another.”  Compassion basically asks us to treat other people as we would want to be treated.  

I pictured myself being compassionate to a friend who went through a divorce.  I saw myself being compassionate to my son after a friend was mean to him.  I saw myself even being compassionate to the made-up character in 12 Years a Slave…but I realized that I wasn’t practicing ANY compassion towards my parents whose behavior I often struggle with.   

Looking back over the landscape of my interactions with my parents, I asked myself how I would feel if my son treated me the way I treated them.  This simple question struck a nerve inside me and the push back was immediate, “Well, I would never do what they have done…They shouldn’t have acted that way…They hurt me…I’m right and they are wrong.”  Rationalizing? After asking myself such a simple question?  I knew I had irritated some part of myself so I pushed through interested in what was underlying my strong reaction.   

How would I feel if I were my parents?  If my past behavior was directed at me, how would I feel?  I started to cry as I realized how much pain and hurt I must have caused them.  For the first time, I didn’t focus on what they did to “cause” my reaction.  Instead, I thought about what it would feel like to have my son repeatedly burst out in anger (if I’m being honest, more like explode).  I imagined having my son tell me I couldn’t stay with him during visits or if he abruptly cancelled a trip to see me.  I asked myself what it would feel like to know my son was repeatedly hurt and angered by my behavior but have no clue what I did, what to do about it or how to fix it.  I sat on the edge of my bed crying as I realized I showed more compassion to a made up character in a movie than I did to my own parents whom I love very much.

This morning I received an email from my Mom asking me to place an online order for her.  Even though I told her I would place the order over the weekend (and it is Friday), this is her 7^th email making the request.  As I restrain from emailing her the smart-ass and irritated remark that pops into my head, I repeat the mantra: compassion… compassion… compassion. 

Oh Ye Have Little Faith

“Without faith, we’re frantically trying to control what it is not our business to control, and fix what it is not in our power to fix.”  Marianne Williamson 

 

I have to admit, I am not a great “have faith” kinda gal.  With every issue or problem, I need to DO something; I need to fix it or at the very least find a solution.  I go crazy if there is nothing that can be done.  I worry; I stress; I obsess.  How can things work out for the best if I can’t MAKE them work out for the best?  But, a few days ago I learned my lesson.

 

The night before flying home from a family vacation, my husband found out that there had been a glitch with our boarding passes and that we would be boarding the plane last.  Panicked that we would not be able to sit together and that our 8 year old would be sitting in a middle seat surrounded by strangers, we called the booking agent.  She informed us that the only thing we could do was ask for a boarding upgrade when we checked in the following day.  

 

At 3 am I woke up with a horrendous pit in my stomach and my mind in overdrive.  What could I do to make sure my family all sat together?  I obsessively looked at the situation from every angle searching for solutions that simply weren’t there.  

 

As my head swirled, Marianne Williamson’s definition of “faith” popped into my head.  “Faith is believing that the universe is on our side, and that the universe knows what it’s doing.”  Although I had little confidence in the universe at this point, having no other options I chose to have faith.  I remained awake with the pit in my stomach but each time my mind analyzed the problem or searched for a nonexistent solution, I returned to the simple phrase, “have faith.”  As I struggled to interrupt my well-established pattern of worry and obsessing, I told the universe, “I’ll give you one shot to prove to me that this whole having faith thing actually works.”   

 

The next day seemed to be one unexpected event after another.  We easily upgraded our boarding status for the first leg of our trip even though it outwardly appeared that would not be possible.  When we boarded, my 8 year old son who always to choose to sit behind the wing so he could see, adamantly chose to sit over the wing.  My son’s seat selection led me, an introverted and definitely not a chatty flyer, to have a friendly conversation with one of our flight attendants.  During this conversation we learned she was also going to our final destination (Reno, Nevada) and we discussed our boarding glitch issues.    

 

Later in the day, waiting for our connecting flight to Reno, we bumped into this same flight attendant.  Not only was she on our same flight but she told us she would be holding a row of seats for us until we boarded allowing our family to again sit all together.  

 

Each one of these events individually is out of the ordinary and surprising.  When you string them together and see the end result they become extraordinary.  As hard as it was, I surrendered and had faith; and dammit, faith won.   

“When we stop trying to control events, they fall into natural order, an order that works.”  Marianne Williamson. 

 

 

 

 

More Than Fine

I was recently struck by a quote from Adam Levine.  I was reading an article asking a bunch of famous men what they were most afraid of.  The majority of men answered as you would expect, that they were most afraid of heights, snakes, drowning etc.; but, Adam Levine’s response was surprising.  Mr. Levine responded that he was most afraid of dying because his life was sooo GOOD (I’m paraphrasing.)  After I read his comment, I felt a pit in my stomach; I wondered if I could really say the same thing about my own life.  I spent the next few days noticing how many moments I wished I was somewhere else, doing something else.  I noticed how often I looked at the clock wanting the day to be over or how often I rushed through my errands because I just wanted them done.  I saw myself going through the motions.  Having happy moments, yes, but not feeling the level of excitement, enthusiasm or passion about my own life that permeated Adam Levine’s statement.  As simple as his statement was, it opened me up to larger possibilities for my life.  It erased the line between “us” (normal everyday people) and “them” (the rich and famous we see on t.v.).  For once, I truly believed that “Adam Levine Good” was obtainable and that if he deserved that big life, then why didn’t I?  

I think we all are surrounded with “fine” and come to believe that “fine” is the standard for life.  We have a job we don’t hate, we pay our bills, have a nice house and maintain our families; but, what if we allowed ourselves to want more than just “fine?” What if we allowed ourselves to want more out of life than “going through the motions” and waiting for the next big thing to inject happiness and enthusiasm into our life?  What if we confessed to ourselves that we wanted to be happier and admitted that we knew we could be?  What if we dared to disclose our dreams and wishes and then go after them?  What if we refused to settle for “fine” and chose to go after the life Adam Levine seems to describe in his simple statement?  

 

Over the last 13 years with my husband, he has repeatedly mentioned his love of acting remembering his riveting college performance of a lisping Spaniard.  When he relayed this story, there always seemed a longing, a wishing…. a missing.  Each time he brought up his performance, I ignored the underlying emotions and simply nodded my head at the appropriate times.  I never once gave his story any real credence.  Acting, really?  People like “us” don’t act.  We work hard, we have good jobs, houses and families… we are “fine.”  But, this Christmas I gave him a gift card for acting lessons.  Who knows where it will lead or what will happen; but at least he finally acted on that inner longing and dared to have a life greater than “fine.” 

 

So, my goal this New Year is to inject more “Adam Levine GOOD” into my life. I’m refusing to settle for “fine” and am going after a bigger, richer and more fulfilling life (and not feel guilty about it).  Beginning in 2015, I am going to carve out the time to start building my own “Adam Levine GOOD” life.  Join me!

I'm A Do-A-Holic

Hello, my name is Susan and I am a recovering do-a-holic.  Not only was I using the “doing” to feel worthy and valued (as discussed in my previous post), but I also hid in the doing.  For me, “doing” was my drug of choice (and an extremely acceptable one) that I used to hide from any and all uncomfortable feelings that I had.  Going, doing, accomplishing filled up my days and left little room for my fears and frustrations, insecurities and sadness.  I didn’t have time to feel angry over the insensitive email my mom just sent or sadness over my grandfather’s health because I had dinners and breakfasts to cook, work projects to complete, Costco trips to make, toilets to clean, and so on and so on and so on…. 

For many many years, I numbed my uncomfortable feelings by going, going and going some more.  However, I was not only numbing the uncomfortable (i.e. bad) emotions but also the good emotion.  Brene Brown in the book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” says it perfectly, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions we also numb the positive.”  She goes on to explain that when numb our positive emotions, when the hard emotions come, we have nothing to draw on.  Numbing cuts us off from what would carry us through the difficult times. 

Slowing down was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  My entire life was based on doing and accomplishing, achieving and going.  As discussed in my previous post, society praises doing and accomplishing.  There are millions of websites giving tips for “doing more” and “getting more done” and few, if any, websites helping us do less.  We never hear an obituary praising someone’s ability to “stay present” or admiring their ability to “just be.”  Doing “nothing” is described as lazy while packing every second of every day is touted as industrious and hard-working.

When I started cutting back on my go-go-go lifestyle, I felt tremendous guilt.  I had things that needed to be done, how the hell could I sit here and read a book….or sit outside with a glass of wine by myself and watch the sunset.  Then, after the guilt subsided, the terror set in.  I was so used to the noise, the constant chatter that doing generated, that I had no idea what I would find in the silence and the stillness.  I knew I needed to slow down and start really feeling my emotions, but I had been numbing for so long, I was scared about what that meant and if I could handle it.  I felt like a child who’s afraid of the dark…

I started visiting my feelings in moments.  When I was angry at someone, I didn’t immediately fire back at them or vent to someone to try to “feel better.”  When I was frustrated about a situation, I didn’t force myself to “just make a decision” so I could move on (ie do).  I stopped rationalizing my feelings or trying to talk myself out of the feeling I was feeling.  I stopped zoning out to mindless tv when I was upset or eating to fill up the emotional pit in my stomach.  Instead, I paused and tried to allow myself to feel the fullness of each feeling.  What I found was that after the initial sting of the uncomfortable feeling occurred, the feeling would lesson and the uncomfortableness would subside.  Each time I sat through the sting it became a bit easier to tolerate.  I found myself making better and better decisions since I no longer was making decisions based on, “quick, I just wanna get rid of this feeling…. any way I can.”

By slowing down I gave myself the space to feel my feelings.  I stopped mindlessly moving from task to task and instead allowed myself to live fully in this moment and feel whatever the moment brought.  I allowed myself to fully feel both the “bad” feelings and the “good” ones; and found that the good ones outweigh the bad ones 10 to 1.  You just have to slow down and let it all in….

Salvation Not in the "Doing"

“The ego knows nothing of being but believes you will eventually be saved by doing.”  Eckhert Tollee

One of the most destructive beliefs I lived by was that my value and/or worth is determined by how much I do and/or accomplish.  For years my days were a blur of activity focused only on getting things done.  I wore my exhaustion like a merit badge that validated both me and my life. Then suddenly I was diagnosed with pneumonia and all the “doing” abruptly stopped.  I faced feelings of emptiness and a pit in my stomach that my constant “doing” had filled; I knew I needed to find a better way to fill me up and validate my worth and value. 

It’s easy to follow this belief since we are inundated with messages that success is measured by what we “do” and how much we achieve and/or accomplish.  Society views Steve Jobs as successful because he “did” all the I-products and Michael Jordon is one of the “greats” because he achieved numerous championships.  Oprah is held in high esteem because of all of her accomplishments and JK Rowling is famous because she wrote Harry Potter.  Our success in school is measured by the grade we receive and when we are young our parents use our behavior to define if we have been “good” or not.  We grow up with the consistent message that success is defined by external “doing” and achieving.  We then mistakenly believe if we “do” enough, not only will people view us as successful but that we will also FEEL successful, worthy and valued.  However, it’s impossible to find internal value and worth in external places or material things.

At 40 I had a great life with a job I loved, a great family and financial security.  But, I was running myself into the ground trying to “do” enough, accomplish enough, achieve enough to feel successful, worthy and valued.  I had moments of great joy and happiness, but I could never quite “do” enough to achieve the deep sense of self-worth and value I craved.  When I became sick, I finally realized that the feelings of worth and value weren’t in the “doing.”  Forced into days and days of not-doing, I found what I was looking for plus much more.  There is so much to be found in the stillness and in the not-doing; but, since we continually jam pack our lives and fill up all space with noise, we never give ourselves the opportunities to find it.    

I had a hard time letting go of the belief linking “doing” with success and feelings of success and worthiness.  Letting the belief go forced me to go against what society thinks, what my family believes and shift the entire way I had been living my life.  It was only when I started applying the belief to the people I love that I began to let go of the belief’s hold.  I could clearly see that my son and my husband didn’t have to “do” anything to have value and worth.  My son has value whether he is sound asleep or getting an “A” on a test and my husband is worthy whether he is folding laundry or screaming at a football game on t.v.  They both have value and worth that’s bigger and more expansive than what they do, accomplish or achieve and I don’t want either of them believing differently.  I don’t want my son to believe that he has to earn his worth or “do” anything to have value; he is enough just because he was born.  And if I can see that as true for both him and my husband, I started to be able to see it as true for myself.