This morning I watched my son have a total meltdown. He had added instead of multiplied math problems on his homework and hadn’t caught his error until he had done half the problems. As I watched him throw a major fit, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t just erase his errors and get back at it. He knew he had to turn the homework in and that it needed to be finished. He wanted to be done ASAP so he could go outside. So why was he wasting soooooo much time throwing this REALLY intensive fit? After a few minutes, I calmly said, “Lets just get back at,” he turned to me angrily and asked, “Well, wouldn’t YOU be upset?” Being in mother-adult-brain-“im perfect”-mode, I wanted to say, “Of course not.” But, as he stared at me, I couldn’t help putting myself in his shoes……and knew I would be just as upset. So, I said both. I started with, “Of course I would be upset,” but then had to add, But you need to get it done so lets just erase the wrong answers and get back at it.”
As I watched him angrily erase his wrong answers (almost ripping the paper as he went), I thought about my response. How many times a day did I get frustrated with things that just “are?” How many times had I bitched and complained to a friend about an opposing baseball coach when he acted like an ass? How many times had I become frustrated when I did Quickbooks wrong (and needed to redo it) or whined to my husband when I had a work project I didn’t want to do? Maybe the meltdown wasn’t as physically intense as my sons but I realized that I acted just like my son regularly railing against what needed to be done, what I had to do or simply what WAS.
***"Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it.” Eckhert Tolle in A New Earth.
When I first read this Eckhert Tolle quote about a year ago, I didn’t fully understand it. Watching my son have his meltdown and listening to all the things he said to himself, the meaning of the quote became clear. During his meltdown my son called himself, “stupid,” “idiot” and “dumb.” He told himself he was “never going to finish his homework,” that he as “going to get an F” and that he was going to “flunk 4th grade.” (none of those things remotely true).
Sitting outside of the experience and watching/hearing it from a fairly disconnected place, I could see how it wasn’t the mistakes that were causing the meltdown. It was the things my son was saying, the STORY (Eckhert language) that was creating the highly emotional reaction and driving the breakdown.
I thought about the “stories” I tell myself. When I am behind a slow driver, I have a whole laundry list. I start with, “Shit, I am going to be late.” I add in a “Who the hell goes UNDER the speed limit?” and “Why am I always behind them?” And then my story (and most of my stories if I am being honest) end with, “Why does this ALWAYS happen to me????” As I ran through the things I said to myself, it became clear that it was not the slow driver, i.e. what is, causing my emotional reactions. It was the story I told myself ABOUT the slow driver causing my frustration, anger and anxiety.
Accepting “what is” is a challenge. We have been taught from an early age that events can be easily categorized as black or white; either “good” or “bad.” But what if we started to look at all events as neutral. Several years ago, after a 10 year long happy relationship, I suddenly lost my largest client. Everyone, including myself, viewed it as BAD. However, looking back, it turned out to be a good thing. I stopped working for a person with questionable morals and started writing. I had more time for my family and had more time for clients who valued and appreciated my work.
Also, many years ago I was in a serious accident which still causes chronic pain today. BAD. But, to me, it was one of the best things that has happened in my life. The accident forced me to shed the “wrong” fiancé, the “wrong” relationship and the “wrong future.” It forced me to wipe the slate clean and take a promotion, move to a new home and allowed me the time to find the “right” fiancé and/or husband.
What if we could take off the “good and bad glasses” and start to see every event as neutral, i.e. “just is.” Seeing every event as holding gifts and not railing against the “bad” events or the “don’t want” events. Relaxing into ALL of life….. wouldn’t we all be happier?......and need less anxiety meds?……. I know I sure would!
***"In summary, then, the consciousness level of acceptance is one that we all long to achieve, for it enables us to find freedom from most of life’s problems and to experience fulfillment and happiness."Hawkins, David R. (2013-08-01). Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender (pp. 170-171).
FN: “Don’t Fight the Rooster” became a mantra for a group of my friends when we heard one of our kids (4 yrs old at the time) say it. We have no idea what he meant by it or even if that is exactly what he said but it became our personal mantra for when one of us was fighting against what simply “IS.” Imagine fighting against a rooster…you get scratched, pecked at, hurt….and its REALLY hard….just like fighting against what just IS.
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