More Than Fine

I was recently struck by a quote from Adam Levine.  I was reading an article asking a bunch of famous men what they were most afraid of.  The majority of men answered as you would expect, that they were most afraid of heights, snakes, drowning etc.; but, Adam Levine’s response was surprising.  Mr. Levine responded that he was most afraid of dying because his life was sooo GOOD (I’m paraphrasing.)  After I read his comment, I felt a pit in my stomach; I wondered if I could really say the same thing about my own life.  I spent the next few days noticing how many moments I wished I was somewhere else, doing something else.  I noticed how often I looked at the clock wanting the day to be over or how often I rushed through my errands because I just wanted them done.  I saw myself going through the motions.  Having happy moments, yes, but not feeling the level of excitement, enthusiasm or passion about my own life that permeated Adam Levine’s statement.  As simple as his statement was, it opened me up to larger possibilities for my life.  It erased the line between “us” (normal everyday people) and “them” (the rich and famous we see on t.v.).  For once, I truly believed that “Adam Levine Good” was obtainable and that if he deserved that big life, then why didn’t I?  

I think we all are surrounded with “fine” and come to believe that “fine” is the standard for life.  We have a job we don’t hate, we pay our bills, have a nice house and maintain our families; but, what if we allowed ourselves to want more than just “fine?” What if we allowed ourselves to want more out of life than “going through the motions” and waiting for the next big thing to inject happiness and enthusiasm into our life?  What if we confessed to ourselves that we wanted to be happier and admitted that we knew we could be?  What if we dared to disclose our dreams and wishes and then go after them?  What if we refused to settle for “fine” and chose to go after the life Adam Levine seems to describe in his simple statement?  

 

Over the last 13 years with my husband, he has repeatedly mentioned his love of acting remembering his riveting college performance of a lisping Spaniard.  When he relayed this story, there always seemed a longing, a wishing…. a missing.  Each time he brought up his performance, I ignored the underlying emotions and simply nodded my head at the appropriate times.  I never once gave his story any real credence.  Acting, really?  People like “us” don’t act.  We work hard, we have good jobs, houses and families… we are “fine.”  But, this Christmas I gave him a gift card for acting lessons.  Who knows where it will lead or what will happen; but at least he finally acted on that inner longing and dared to have a life greater than “fine.” 

 

So, my goal this New Year is to inject more “Adam Levine GOOD” into my life. I’m refusing to settle for “fine” and am going after a bigger, richer and more fulfilling life (and not feel guilty about it).  Beginning in 2015, I am going to carve out the time to start building my own “Adam Levine GOOD” life.  Join me!

I'm A Do-A-Holic

Hello, my name is Susan and I am a recovering do-a-holic.  Not only was I using the “doing” to feel worthy and valued (as discussed in my previous post), but I also hid in the doing.  For me, “doing” was my drug of choice (and an extremely acceptable one) that I used to hide from any and all uncomfortable feelings that I had.  Going, doing, accomplishing filled up my days and left little room for my fears and frustrations, insecurities and sadness.  I didn’t have time to feel angry over the insensitive email my mom just sent or sadness over my grandfather’s health because I had dinners and breakfasts to cook, work projects to complete, Costco trips to make, toilets to clean, and so on and so on and so on…. 

For many many years, I numbed my uncomfortable feelings by going, going and going some more.  However, I was not only numbing the uncomfortable (i.e. bad) emotions but also the good emotion.  Brene Brown in the book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” says it perfectly, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions we also numb the positive.”  She goes on to explain that when numb our positive emotions, when the hard emotions come, we have nothing to draw on.  Numbing cuts us off from what would carry us through the difficult times. 

Slowing down was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  My entire life was based on doing and accomplishing, achieving and going.  As discussed in my previous post, society praises doing and accomplishing.  There are millions of websites giving tips for “doing more” and “getting more done” and few, if any, websites helping us do less.  We never hear an obituary praising someone’s ability to “stay present” or admiring their ability to “just be.”  Doing “nothing” is described as lazy while packing every second of every day is touted as industrious and hard-working.

When I started cutting back on my go-go-go lifestyle, I felt tremendous guilt.  I had things that needed to be done, how the hell could I sit here and read a book….or sit outside with a glass of wine by myself and watch the sunset.  Then, after the guilt subsided, the terror set in.  I was so used to the noise, the constant chatter that doing generated, that I had no idea what I would find in the silence and the stillness.  I knew I needed to slow down and start really feeling my emotions, but I had been numbing for so long, I was scared about what that meant and if I could handle it.  I felt like a child who’s afraid of the dark…

I started visiting my feelings in moments.  When I was angry at someone, I didn’t immediately fire back at them or vent to someone to try to “feel better.”  When I was frustrated about a situation, I didn’t force myself to “just make a decision” so I could move on (ie do).  I stopped rationalizing my feelings or trying to talk myself out of the feeling I was feeling.  I stopped zoning out to mindless tv when I was upset or eating to fill up the emotional pit in my stomach.  Instead, I paused and tried to allow myself to feel the fullness of each feeling.  What I found was that after the initial sting of the uncomfortable feeling occurred, the feeling would lesson and the uncomfortableness would subside.  Each time I sat through the sting it became a bit easier to tolerate.  I found myself making better and better decisions since I no longer was making decisions based on, “quick, I just wanna get rid of this feeling…. any way I can.”

By slowing down I gave myself the space to feel my feelings.  I stopped mindlessly moving from task to task and instead allowed myself to live fully in this moment and feel whatever the moment brought.  I allowed myself to fully feel both the “bad” feelings and the “good” ones; and found that the good ones outweigh the bad ones 10 to 1.  You just have to slow down and let it all in….

Salvation Not in the "Doing"

“The ego knows nothing of being but believes you will eventually be saved by doing.”  Eckhert Tollee

One of the most destructive beliefs I lived by was that my value and/or worth is determined by how much I do and/or accomplish.  For years my days were a blur of activity focused only on getting things done.  I wore my exhaustion like a merit badge that validated both me and my life. Then suddenly I was diagnosed with pneumonia and all the “doing” abruptly stopped.  I faced feelings of emptiness and a pit in my stomach that my constant “doing” had filled; I knew I needed to find a better way to fill me up and validate my worth and value. 

It’s easy to follow this belief since we are inundated with messages that success is measured by what we “do” and how much we achieve and/or accomplish.  Society views Steve Jobs as successful because he “did” all the I-products and Michael Jordon is one of the “greats” because he achieved numerous championships.  Oprah is held in high esteem because of all of her accomplishments and JK Rowling is famous because she wrote Harry Potter.  Our success in school is measured by the grade we receive and when we are young our parents use our behavior to define if we have been “good” or not.  We grow up with the consistent message that success is defined by external “doing” and achieving.  We then mistakenly believe if we “do” enough, not only will people view us as successful but that we will also FEEL successful, worthy and valued.  However, it’s impossible to find internal value and worth in external places or material things.

At 40 I had a great life with a job I loved, a great family and financial security.  But, I was running myself into the ground trying to “do” enough, accomplish enough, achieve enough to feel successful, worthy and valued.  I had moments of great joy and happiness, but I could never quite “do” enough to achieve the deep sense of self-worth and value I craved.  When I became sick, I finally realized that the feelings of worth and value weren’t in the “doing.”  Forced into days and days of not-doing, I found what I was looking for plus much more.  There is so much to be found in the stillness and in the not-doing; but, since we continually jam pack our lives and fill up all space with noise, we never give ourselves the opportunities to find it.    

I had a hard time letting go of the belief linking “doing” with success and feelings of success and worthiness.  Letting the belief go forced me to go against what society thinks, what my family believes and shift the entire way I had been living my life.  It was only when I started applying the belief to the people I love that I began to let go of the belief’s hold.  I could clearly see that my son and my husband didn’t have to “do” anything to have value and worth.  My son has value whether he is sound asleep or getting an “A” on a test and my husband is worthy whether he is folding laundry or screaming at a football game on t.v.  They both have value and worth that’s bigger and more expansive than what they do, accomplish or achieve and I don’t want either of them believing differently.  I don’t want my son to believe that he has to earn his worth or “do” anything to have value; he is enough just because he was born.  And if I can see that as true for both him and my husband, I started to be able to see it as true for myself.