Judgmental thoughts can also be used to identify
beliefs. When we are judging others (or
ourselves) we are essentially applying our beliefs to another; we are taking
the expectations (musts, shoulds, etc.) our beliefs demand and transferring
those expectations on to someone else. Judging
says, “My belief is correct so you need to/should do…..and if you don’t, you
are wrong.” Judgments reinforce and
boost confidence of our belief. Judgments make us feel certain. Judgments make us feel RIGHT.
Raising children and parenting is a subject saturated with
judgment. With no single “right” way to parent, every
aspect of parenting is uncertain. From
the proper way to give birth to which colleges are best, every parent yearns
for confirmation that their way is the right way; and this yearning leads to
widespread judging.
As one of those parents yearning to be right, I have tried
to become aware of when I am sitting in judgment and allow my judgment to identify
my underlying belief. I recently judged
Adrian Peterson for hitting his son with a switch; such judgment arose from my
belief that striking children is not okay and my belief that hitting a child
doesn’t teach anything other than hitting is ok in certain situations. I judged Kim Kardashian based on my belief that
spending thousands of dollars on cashmere kid’s clothes is gluttonous and absolutely
ridiculous. I judged Gwyneth Paltrow for
naming her child Apple based upon my belief that giving a child a “non-name” is
selfish on the part of the parent since it sets the child up for teasing. I have judged parents who make their 6 year
old choose only one sport to play year round based upon my belief that sports
are supposed to be fun and parents shouldn’t focus on “going pro.” I have judged parents who schedule every
single minute of their child’s day and parents who buy brand new BMW’s for
their child’s 16th birthday.
When we sit in judgment, we are taking our beliefs and
applying them as ultimate truth. By becoming
aware of when we are sitting in judgment, we undermine our unconscious pattern of
judging and also afford ourselves the ability to identify the underlying belief.
(The topic of judgment is much bigger and broader than this
narrowly focused blog on the link between beliefs and judgment; keep an eye out
for a future discussion.)
Feelings also can be used to help uncover hidden
beliefs. Feelings, particularly shame
and guilt, are tried directly to our own beliefs. When we drill these feelings back to a held
belief, we not only become more aware of our beliefs, but we also reduce the control
and power these feelings have over our lives.
Both shame and guilt arise when you fail to live up the “musts”
that your beliefs demand. Shame and
guilt are often used interchangeable.
However, even though they may feel identical, there is a distinct
difference. Guilt occurs when we focus
on behavior, “I made a mistake;” shame focuses on the person, “I am a
mistake.” Although shame is much more
destructive than guilt, both feelings can lead us to hidden beliefs.
Two years ago, I was running myself into the ground trying
to keep up with all of the expectations my beliefs demanded. I knew that if I failed to perform any of the
“musts” required to be a “good” mother, daughter, granddaughter, employee,
spouse, etc., I would suffer overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. Every day I tried to outrun the guilt/shame by
“doing” and some days I was successful.
However, when I contracted pneumonia, all of the “doing” abruptly stopped
and guilt and shame became my constant companion.
No longer having the option of “doing” my way out of feeling
guilt and/or shame, I tried reducing the painful feelings by blaming other
people, God and/or the universe. I
blamed my parents for moving my grandparents so close to me and my grandmother
for making me feel like I was never doing enough. I also tried the numb the shame/guilt. I would watch hours of mindless t.v. and eat
multiple bowls of cereal or spoonful’s of peanut butter. Both
of these strategies were ineffective (and I gained 40 pounds.) However, when I allowed the guilt/shame to
show me the way to my own beliefs, I finally broke the grip these feelings had
over me.
Over the last 2 years I have linked my instances of
guilt/shame to many of my insane beliefs.
Here are just a few:
Guilt/Shame: I felt
guilt/shame when I stayed in bed for days with pneumonia (even though my doctor
ordered me to).
Beliefs: I believed I
was a “wuss” and lazy for staying in bed and believed everyone else thought I
was a “wuss” and lazy for staying in bed.
I believed I needed to “push through” and believed everyone else thought
I needed to “push through.” I believed
my husband was getting mad because he had to do everything since I couldn’t
help out. I believed that I was failing
as a mother and wife since I couldn’t take care of everyone else. I believed needing help was weak and made me
a “needy.” I believed I needed to “do”
to be of value and loved.
Guilt/Shame: I felt
guilt/shame for having put on weight.
Beliefs: I believed I
was a failure, lazy and unattractive. I
believed everyone else believed I was a failure, lazy and unattractive. I believed I couldn’t/wouldn’t be happy
unless I lost all of the weight I had put on.
Guilt/Shame: I would
feel guilty for saying “no” to a new work project even if I was already overloaded.
Beliefs: I believed
if I could, I should (even if it meant getting up at 3 am and working past
midnight). I believed my clients would stop using me if I ever declined a
project. I believed rest, relaxation
and/or fun (for me) should only happen if I had nothing else to do.
Everything changed when I stopped running myself ragged
trying to “do” my way out of feeling guilt/shame. Instead of reacting to the guilt/shame with
activity, blaming and/or numbing, I allowed the guilt/shame to identify my own beliefs
and found effective and lasting relief.
